I've wanted to address this topic for quite some time. There seems to be very few resources for parental abandonment currently available. I've seen many parental abandonment articles where kids abandon their parents, but what about the parents that abandon their kids?
In life there is always a two way street when it comes to relationships. But the relationship with our parents is often the most nurturing or in some cases the most devastating. We all know Michael Jackson had issues with his father, Elizabeth Taylor, I've come to find out also had issues with her father. I've had issues with both my parents as well, as literally dozens of other people that I have spoken to have as well.
This seems to be a prevalent pattern in our society. Yet there are few of us that actually seek the guidance and counseling we need to overcome painful memories and hurts with our parents. We are all not perfect. However, when it comes to parents and our needs as children, young or grown, when those needs are not met we feel torn, betrayed, and sometimes even abandon.
Sometimes the issue is with siblings. A favorite is selected and adored, yet you are the ugly duckling, the one left out. Conversations with some readers have shown a pattern present where a parent will give all their attention to the "golden child" while leaving the other child or children to fin for themselves, almost to a cruel extent. Emotional support, financial support, babysitting services, anything the "golden child" needs are provided, yet when another member of the family finds themselves in crisis the parents simply turn their back on them. Sometimes this type of behavior extends to the rest of the family as well. Often lies are spread, truths are hidden and the parental abuser makes sure everyone knows "their" side of the story about their "bad" kid.
When this happens it leaves the child to feel not only betrayed and abandon but ashamed. Now the actions of the parent dictate that whatever was done to the child, or the adult child, was his or her fault. It's critical at this point in the game to know that it's not. Many family patterns play out from roles that have been handed down in families. In my family the boys get supported while the girls are useless and can be thrown away. As my father would say we're only good for one thing and as my mother would say, I've had affairs with numerous men. Neither of these statements were true, but have been repeated in my family by spoken words and their actions for as long as I can remember. These are the patterns that my parents had come to know, and now they were handing them down to me, unconsciously.
In my time of need they threw me away, while running to support my brother. My mother lied, my aunt lied and both went running to anyone and everyone they could to tell what "really" happened and why I was not part of Christmas and family functions any longer. In truth I was the one that was getting out of these family patterns and the one that needed the support desperately at the time. I didn't receive that support. I was ostracized from the family while I tried only to make me and my childrens' lives better.
It sounds sad, but I've spoken to many other people that have had the same situations happen to them. Sometimes it can be as simple as jealousy that makes you the odd duck. Sometimes its a disorder like narcissism, when the people in your family do everything and everything to make themselves be seen as the "good" one. Sometimes it's a combination of both. Yet what is most prevalent in our family systems, is a secret code. One that seems to be the glue that holds the family together. Unconsciously the family sets itself up on how it will be. Everyone has their role, but if you decide you will change that role and act differently,it upsets the dynamic of the entire family structure and it's at that point that the drama begins.
I did that, several friends of mine did, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, we have learned to take our own lives in our own hands and use the experience in these family situations to better our lives and the lives of our children.
Michael had made a speech at Oxford University quite some time ago. It's important to remember that because our parents didn't do or weren't or aren't the people we needed or need them to be, it doesn't make them "bad" people. Our parents, and even we as parents, are only doing what we are capable of doing. If you have been hurt by a parent, betrayed, or abandon, it's crucial that you remember that very important point: They were not capable of giving you what you needed at the time and may never be capable of it. This is important, because all too often, especially as children, we internalize the pain a parent causes us as our own inadequacy, our own fault, and our own shame. This is completely misplacing the feeling. We must dig that ingrained feeling of abandonment up and put it where it needs to be. It goes in the "they were not capable of giving me the support I needed" or . . . fill in the blank.
Healing from parental abandonment takes time. It's the one most important relationship we have or had because it was the parent(s) that we relied upon for our every need since birth. If those needs weren't met, we are sometimes left with holes. The first step is to recognize we have and had needs. The need to be nurtured, loved, cared for, understood and supported, no matter what our age. In the areas that our parents simply couldn't fill those roles we have to learn to seek that support elsewhere. It may be in the form of good friendships, a counselor, a puppy, self help books, or even yoga. Something that nurtures our soul. Some of us cover up these holes by not recognizing them and reverting to multiple sexual partners to make us feel "better. Abusive relationships or other forms of "self punishment". We are left to feel "bad" or sometimes told we are, so we punish ourselves accordingly. Most often subconsciously; without even realizing it. These are the things we feel "comfortable" with because it is what we are "used" to and how we are "used" to being treated. We then expect it in our lives because of the experience. It will come as no surprise then, that it will take a great deal of self reflection and healing work to not come to expect it anymore and to enter into a healing relationship first and foremost with ourselves.
When you find yourself in a situation of being alienated by family, shunned or made to feel ashamed, know that most likely it had or has nothing to do with you. Those that have been put up for adoption, for instance; your parents never even knew you. How can you take responsibility for them abandoning YOU when they never knew YOU to begin with? Most often in these family systems our family doesn't take the time to know US either. They are often acting from their own patterns and assumptions from their own experiences and life. It rarely has anything to do with us, yet WE tend to make it that way. Ironic isn't it?
I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful counselor at the time this happened to me. She prepared me by telling me that if I wanted to change my life, I most likely would lose my entire family. She was right. But it was also a step I knew I had to take for my children and for myself. In retrospect, my life has become amazingly better because of those painful years. My children are more equipped for life and the steps I have taken in my own life have inspired many others to do the same. Sometimes being the odd man out in your family is only a sign that you're doing something right.
I do speak with members of my family now. I have come to a place where Michael Jackson had come years ago. You see past your own hurt and into the lives of your parents. For me I knew that most likely my father would blame himself for everything that happened, but never reach out. If he passed on, he still would not have approached me. I'm big on unfinished karma, so I reached out to him. Not because it was my fault, nor did I want to say it was his fault or my mothers. I only wanted him to know that all of us were acting from a place that we only were at the time capable of acting from. I could expect no more from them or myself, and there was no reason for him or I to continue to carry around the burden of a hurt that wasn't even any longer valid.
If you find yourself there, like I did, or Michael, I hope you are able to see beyond that hurt too. It doesn't mean that you will have Hallmark holidays with your family, but it will mean that you have found within yourself the compassion to see the imperfections and struggles we all go through. By embracing our hurts, recognizing our needs and not blaming anyone for them, but taking responsibility for ourselves to heal them, we can fill the holes we have been left with. Becoming one on the planet, first starts with becoming whole ourselves.
In life there is always a two way street when it comes to relationships. But the relationship with our parents is often the most nurturing or in some cases the most devastating. We all know Michael Jackson had issues with his father, Elizabeth Taylor, I've come to find out also had issues with her father. I've had issues with both my parents as well, as literally dozens of other people that I have spoken to have as well.
This seems to be a prevalent pattern in our society. Yet there are few of us that actually seek the guidance and counseling we need to overcome painful memories and hurts with our parents. We are all not perfect. However, when it comes to parents and our needs as children, young or grown, when those needs are not met we feel torn, betrayed, and sometimes even abandon.
Sometimes the issue is with siblings. A favorite is selected and adored, yet you are the ugly duckling, the one left out. Conversations with some readers have shown a pattern present where a parent will give all their attention to the "golden child" while leaving the other child or children to fin for themselves, almost to a cruel extent. Emotional support, financial support, babysitting services, anything the "golden child" needs are provided, yet when another member of the family finds themselves in crisis the parents simply turn their back on them. Sometimes this type of behavior extends to the rest of the family as well. Often lies are spread, truths are hidden and the parental abuser makes sure everyone knows "their" side of the story about their "bad" kid.
When this happens it leaves the child to feel not only betrayed and abandon but ashamed. Now the actions of the parent dictate that whatever was done to the child, or the adult child, was his or her fault. It's critical at this point in the game to know that it's not. Many family patterns play out from roles that have been handed down in families. In my family the boys get supported while the girls are useless and can be thrown away. As my father would say we're only good for one thing and as my mother would say, I've had affairs with numerous men. Neither of these statements were true, but have been repeated in my family by spoken words and their actions for as long as I can remember. These are the patterns that my parents had come to know, and now they were handing them down to me, unconsciously.
In my time of need they threw me away, while running to support my brother. My mother lied, my aunt lied and both went running to anyone and everyone they could to tell what "really" happened and why I was not part of Christmas and family functions any longer. In truth I was the one that was getting out of these family patterns and the one that needed the support desperately at the time. I didn't receive that support. I was ostracized from the family while I tried only to make me and my childrens' lives better.
It sounds sad, but I've spoken to many other people that have had the same situations happen to them. Sometimes it can be as simple as jealousy that makes you the odd duck. Sometimes its a disorder like narcissism, when the people in your family do everything and everything to make themselves be seen as the "good" one. Sometimes it's a combination of both. Yet what is most prevalent in our family systems, is a secret code. One that seems to be the glue that holds the family together. Unconsciously the family sets itself up on how it will be. Everyone has their role, but if you decide you will change that role and act differently,it upsets the dynamic of the entire family structure and it's at that point that the drama begins.
I did that, several friends of mine did, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, we have learned to take our own lives in our own hands and use the experience in these family situations to better our lives and the lives of our children.
Michael had made a speech at Oxford University quite some time ago. It's important to remember that because our parents didn't do or weren't or aren't the people we needed or need them to be, it doesn't make them "bad" people. Our parents, and even we as parents, are only doing what we are capable of doing. If you have been hurt by a parent, betrayed, or abandon, it's crucial that you remember that very important point: They were not capable of giving you what you needed at the time and may never be capable of it. This is important, because all too often, especially as children, we internalize the pain a parent causes us as our own inadequacy, our own fault, and our own shame. This is completely misplacing the feeling. We must dig that ingrained feeling of abandonment up and put it where it needs to be. It goes in the "they were not capable of giving me the support I needed" or . . . fill in the blank.
Healing from parental abandonment takes time. It's the one most important relationship we have or had because it was the parent(s) that we relied upon for our every need since birth. If those needs weren't met, we are sometimes left with holes. The first step is to recognize we have and had needs. The need to be nurtured, loved, cared for, understood and supported, no matter what our age. In the areas that our parents simply couldn't fill those roles we have to learn to seek that support elsewhere. It may be in the form of good friendships, a counselor, a puppy, self help books, or even yoga. Something that nurtures our soul. Some of us cover up these holes by not recognizing them and reverting to multiple sexual partners to make us feel "better. Abusive relationships or other forms of "self punishment". We are left to feel "bad" or sometimes told we are, so we punish ourselves accordingly. Most often subconsciously; without even realizing it. These are the things we feel "comfortable" with because it is what we are "used" to and how we are "used" to being treated. We then expect it in our lives because of the experience. It will come as no surprise then, that it will take a great deal of self reflection and healing work to not come to expect it anymore and to enter into a healing relationship first and foremost with ourselves.
When you find yourself in a situation of being alienated by family, shunned or made to feel ashamed, know that most likely it had or has nothing to do with you. Those that have been put up for adoption, for instance; your parents never even knew you. How can you take responsibility for them abandoning YOU when they never knew YOU to begin with? Most often in these family systems our family doesn't take the time to know US either. They are often acting from their own patterns and assumptions from their own experiences and life. It rarely has anything to do with us, yet WE tend to make it that way. Ironic isn't it?
I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful counselor at the time this happened to me. She prepared me by telling me that if I wanted to change my life, I most likely would lose my entire family. She was right. But it was also a step I knew I had to take for my children and for myself. In retrospect, my life has become amazingly better because of those painful years. My children are more equipped for life and the steps I have taken in my own life have inspired many others to do the same. Sometimes being the odd man out in your family is only a sign that you're doing something right.
I do speak with members of my family now. I have come to a place where Michael Jackson had come years ago. You see past your own hurt and into the lives of your parents. For me I knew that most likely my father would blame himself for everything that happened, but never reach out. If he passed on, he still would not have approached me. I'm big on unfinished karma, so I reached out to him. Not because it was my fault, nor did I want to say it was his fault or my mothers. I only wanted him to know that all of us were acting from a place that we only were at the time capable of acting from. I could expect no more from them or myself, and there was no reason for him or I to continue to carry around the burden of a hurt that wasn't even any longer valid.
If you find yourself there, like I did, or Michael, I hope you are able to see beyond that hurt too. It doesn't mean that you will have Hallmark holidays with your family, but it will mean that you have found within yourself the compassion to see the imperfections and struggles we all go through. By embracing our hurts, recognizing our needs and not blaming anyone for them, but taking responsibility for ourselves to heal them, we can fill the holes we have been left with. Becoming one on the planet, first starts with becoming whole ourselves.
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