Soul Mates, Suicide and Love

They say that we attract those people who most readily resonate with our emotional vibration to enter into relationship with.  Even a soul mate, someone with you share an intense attraction to, has a vibration similar to yours.  The two fields when meshed "feel" right.

Although most of us think of soul mates as the perfect relationship, most often soul mates, and other forms of soul partners come into our lives to reflect back to us what we ourselves are reflecting out to the world.  Many times we are simply unaware of what we are projecting and inside we may be dying to be loved, all the while thinking to ourselves that no one cares, and no one will ever love us.

Just in this past week I've come upon a few suicide cases and a close encounter suicide.  I've spoken with a few people on the other side who have gone through with it.  Many are very surprised to find that the pain they thought would end is still lingering.  Our emotional bodies go with us, and now instead of dealing with those bodies on the physical level, their task is even a heavier burden, they must now deal with the aftermath and the original problem itself.

I've decided to write this entry today because I've noticed a prevalent pattern among these suicides and even in the ones that have attempted suicide.  I think maybe most people have had tremendous emotional pain in their life, when you reach the point of thinking about suicide, you simply see no other course of action for yourself and that's where we have to start, with ourselves.

Last night I had a conversation with my son about someone at his school.  She had been going to a counselor because she attempted suicide, her family, she said, didn't even care.  The counselor, when she told him about some episodes she was having, openly disbelieved her and she was left struggling with her issues alone.  Our conversation's summation was the prevalent need for compassion in our society.  It seems it is beginning to be a rare gift.

I also spent a few hours yesterday walking along a river front in the snow looking for another man that Michael had brought to me a few days ago.  I went to my normal Wednesday class and Michael was sitting outside of the building.  He said they had been waiting for me.  When I went in I found that a young man had gone missing a few days prior.  I had seen his face the night before and knew that he had passed.  He was angry and didn't want anyone to find him.  He was a loner and mentioned his father.  I learned that he had suffered abuse and again began to feel the sting of repeated patterns playing out at the expense of our souls.

For me both of these people and the ones I had spoken to on the other side prior all had the same kind of issues.  All of them mentioned parents, all of them felt they were not good enough, couldn't be enough, or felt their parents didn't care.  This all important relationship, our parents, sets the stage for so many emotional tendencies.  Yet if our parents were brought up without the emotional support they needed, how are we to expect them to give us the emotional support that we need?

It circles back around to us.  For these young people and those struggling now, we simply have to admit to ourselves that we can't keep trying to go back to the same well when we get nothing from it.  If you have not received the kind of support you have been looking for from your parents or anyone else in your life, stop trying.  You never will.  They are emotionally unavailable to you and it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you, it just means you need to get support elsewhere and take some responsibility for healing yourself.

I know we all want our parents approval.  We all want that pat on the back, that acceptance from our parents and the proud smile.  If we don't get it from our parents, we seek it out in other people and in other relationships.  If I do the right things he or she will love me.  If I can prove to her or him I'm lovable I will be.  Then most often we mess it up because we ourselves don't feel lovable. Simply put, we don't love ourselves.

So it all comes back to this:  The man in the mirror.  We must look within ourselves to find what we need.  Look in the mirror openly and honestly.  Accessing what we need and addressing those needs ourselves.  If it's a new therapist make plans to get one, if it's time away to think, take it and if it's taking a walk or getting pampered at a spa to nurture yourself, I encourage you to do it.

Too often we look at other people to fulfill our emotional needs.  The whole concept of "soul mate" the perfect partner is nonsense in that respect.  Our soul mates resonate back to us lessons.  How can we have a perfect partner if we don't know what the perfect partner looks like?  If we don't know our needs ourselves, how can we expect someone else to fulfill them?

Feeling good about who we are starts with our own self reflection and encouragement.  If you find yourself lost in thoughts that it's hopeless, that no one cares, or even that you'll never find the "perfect partner" remember to start with one person; You.  Start caring about yourself enough to know you are worth it.  That god himself made you out of love and the only thing, the only quest in your life worth embarking on is finding that love inside of you.  That in and of itself will be something that you can give to yourself that no other so called "perfect partner" will ever be able to do for you.  


Astro News with Maria Shaw Lawson

Astro News
By Maria Shaw Lawson

Venus is moving forward on the 31st...it has been retrograde since December 21st and many of you have been thinking and reconsidering your relationships, both personal and professional and also some of you may have had money problems or concerns. Many relationships have ended these past five weeks and others have been really challenged. This aspect ends this week. When Venus moves forward, it will help your money matters move forward too and relationships have a chance to get back on track. If life has been feeling stagnant, it will start to move ahead. The signs most affected are Capricorn, Cancer, Aries and Libra.

But next up.... starting February 7th we have mercury retrograde that will last three weeks. This is a very challenging one in regards to computers. So be sure to back up computer files now. Do not make any big plans, sign contracts or start anything new until after the 27th or there will be tons of challenges or plans may simply not work out.

The New Moon on January 30th is at 4:39p.m. Eastern time is in the sign of Aquarius. New moons are great for starting new things like diets, jobs, relationships, etc. So you have a small window between then and February 7th to get plans activated.

I am going to make a prediction here looking ahead to Valentine's Day. We have a full moon in Leo that day which will be a great time for romance and love. People will be feeling generous and romantic.

However on Valentine's Day, Venus will be in stoic Capricorn. Cosmic forces point to betrayal from a woman in your life. These could be interpreted the closer we get to the full moon, as unexpected break ups, betrayals from women friends, bosses, lovers, wives and more. Venus rules love but it also rules what we value and our money so women employers play a role in my prediction too. Not every woman you know will betray you but be forewarned that the closer we get to Valentine's Day, this cosmic influence becomes stronger. If you do have an unexpected break up or a woman fires you or a friend is backstabbing you, understand that the Universe is making way for someone more honest, truthful and good to come into your life.

I also want to share what's going on this week. Try to accomplish as much as you can Wednesday during the earlier hours when the moon is in Capricorn, which is great for organizing things but after 11:30a.m. est. we have an all day moon void and things do not move quickly or at all. Moon voids are not good for tasks at hand. They are better for chilling out and taking it easy. As I've been posting on my FB fan page, this is a stressful week. There's been a lot coming at you for a while. Give yourself a break and be extra patient and kind with others too. Something important happens Wednesday that gets your attention, gets you to change course or think differently. Being upset actually motivates you to do something. If there are delays, there's a reason for them, even if you don't understand this at the time. By Thursday, you will feel more productive and have more clarity.

On Friday night the Moon moves into Pisces so your dreams will be very vivid this weekend. Write them down. It will be a busy weekend. However you much watch what you say to people as there is some miscommunication and misunderstandings due to other cosmic energy. Those words can sting! Saturday is one of the nicest days coming and would be a great time to spend it on your pet project and just chill out.

I predicted the bad weather and the frigid temps last month for this week and I also told you the first part of February would go down in the record books with bone chilling and dangerous temps. Please know the week ahead will continue to be very cold and if you can, check in your elderly friends and relatives. Make sure your pets are inside the house or the barn where its warm or toasty.


The DeBarge Story: After We Die: Abuse, Loneliness and Michael's Rescue

"Between incarnations we (our consciousness) rest in the Devachan.  It is a temporary Heaven.  When the time comes for the new journey, we descend into the newly created body.  We enter the earth plane, the plane in which we can learn.  It is said that the angels themselves are envious of this opportunity."

                                                                      -Living in the Supermind, Maurie D Pressman M D

A week or so ago, I had someone contact me to see if I could check on someone who had passed.  I said I would see what I could do.  Sometimes people that have passed over just aren't available.  In this case, I asked my guides to do the checking for me.

The man was Bobby DeBarge, a singer from Grand Rapids, Michigan.  I had heard of the DeBarges before, but was not familiar with their entire story. The family, like the Jacksons, had many singer/songwriters and they recorded several pieces of popular music.

I was told Bobby was staying with a grandmother on the other side.  He was eager to reincarnate and I felt a great deal of sadness with him about his previous life.  Little did I know that when I relayed this information back that Bobby had been abused.  Our posts on abuse actually were inspired by this experience and I wanted to take another look at it today.

Abuse comes in all forms from all walks of life.  What it does to the victim is make them feel vulnerable, helpless, little and insignificant.  The thoughts of those that are abused may mimic the words of his or her assailant.  If you've been told enough times you aren't worth anything, sooner or later you start to believe it.

I'm not so perfect to say that I too considered suicide as a way out from the pain of abuse.  You feel alone, tormented, and think that no one cares.  What's the point, you might ask, if I just go. You feel alone.

Yet that's what this post is about.  I do believe Bobby believed that.  He didn't end his own life, but I do believe he went through his life believing he was less then.  It's a painful situation, and one that can lead you to do things to lessen the pain.  If you don't seek counseling, help for your thoughts, soon you won't be able to stand the pain.  You will seek other forms of relieving the pain.  Alcohol, abusing others, or drugs, as Bobby did.

Now not only is there pain, but addiction to your relief method then comes into play.  The high is a contrast and escape from the pain inside.  The cycle will continue of highs and very lows until the cause of the pain - the belief in yourself and a change of thought happens or worse, death by your hand or your addiction.

I felt Bobby DeBarge was very sad about his life.  After conversing with my guides I thought to myself what a wasted lifetime in some respects.  He could have soared, could have made so many strides, but because he was trapped in his thoughts, his beliefs, his abuse and his addictions, he didn't.  I don't blame Bobby for what happened.  I blame the people around him like us that could have made a difference.  Sometimes people like Bobby, people like me and people like you don't know any better.  We think we are alone, that we are the only ones and we see more and more people like this.  The bullied children at school and those that kill themselves because of it.

If you ever feel this way or if you have ever turned a blind eye to someone in need of just someone to listen to them, may you take this information and think about it.  We all need someone.  We all deserve to be loved.  We all are capable of great things and of great love.  Sometimes the only thing we have to do to get there is believe it.  Get help, get counseling, read self help books.  No matter how old or how young you are, you're worth it.

Following is a video explaining how Michael Jackson helped intercede on the attempted suicide of another member of the DeBarge family.  If there is one thing I am certain of it's that Michael did know pain.  It spurs you even further in trying to heal others.  I hope you too take a chance when you can and reach out to another human being.  We can all play a part in healing our world together.


I Took an Overdose; The Unfathomable Truth: Michael Jackson

We had a few comments on yesterdays post regarding Michael's state of affairs with Sony.  It's easy to see by now that Sony was going in the red just prior to AEG engaging in a contract with Michael and later then the board members of Sony corporation.  The people Michael himself once had fired.

It was around the year 1993 when Michael fired his then manager John Branca for embezzlement and shady dealings.  That was also the year Mr Branca, so finely tuned in the media, began a campaign to end Michael's career.  Child abuse allegations surfaced and tormented Michael's personal life as well as his career.  When the ordeal was over, there was still a struggle for control of the much sought after musical catalog Michael had in his possession.  It was 1995, after gaining momentum in the public after slaughtering his name, that we find Michael's catalogs being transferred in the US Copyrights office.  It was this same catalog Michael referenced to me after his death. Document Number V3142P354 states a title defined as "(I took an) overdose & 777 other titles".  When one blog commenter posted that they had been after Michael for some time, she wasn't kidding.

Even after the second trial Michael was afraid to stay in the states.  He moved from place to place with his children in tow.  He was like a nomad, afraid they would kill him and afraid they would take his children away.  At one time I had even offered for him to stay with me.  At the time, I wasn't privy to everything that was going on and was actually surprised he considered it.  When Michael said to me they are tying to kill me, my mind went to outsiders believing he was a child molester, not his own management team.

If you don't know what they did to him here are some nuts and bolts.  The media in the industry is very powerful and Michael says "a hungry machine".  They'll feed on any story you give them.  People in the industries careers are built and taken down by the media.  In Michael's case they dismantled what he built, had him stake his assets for everything then came in for the rescue.  These are power plays by those seeking control.  They put people in the position of needing them.
With Michael's album sales down, the media scrutinizing his every move, and wanting just a normal place to stay and raise his children, by 2009 Michael was ripe for picking.  AEG swooped in with promises to give him a stable home in Vegas for him and the children.  I know how much this meant to him because we talked about it.  He could work in Vegas without traveling.  He did not like to tour and be on the road.  He liked to perform.  There is a difference.

Talk about pulling at your heart strings, Michael's children and their well being was his life.  This in and of itself was a motivating factor for Michael to sign the deal.  AEG offered to not only provide him with a home in Vegas, but pay for his housing and security and everything he needed until then.  Something that, at the time, was in a sense a relief to Michael.  Not only that, but the carrot to top it off was to get his career back in full swing.  Put on a show no one had ever seen before.  Fuel the fires and the passion Michael had - for his music and his children.  Yet this all came with a small cost; everything he owned was at stake on the contract.  Even the catalog renamed "I took an overdose" in 1995.

To an outsider it might look like simply business, but taking a closer look, you'll realize that Randy Phillips from AEG was in contact with John Branca, Michael's ex manager and shareholder/soon to be executor of Michael's estate that December, 2008.  Emails confirm their conversations and soon early in 2009 the deal was signed.  Originally for 10 shows.  Not only is this aspect on paper but it's what Michael told me at the time.  When he later said it would be for more, that he would be spending more time away from the states, I balked.  When I look back at the contract now I find it very strange that Michael would stake his entire catalog and life and put it all up for collateral for only "10" shows.

That number increased as time went by and so did his "advisers".  When Conrad Murray came onto the scene in April, he was also followed by a slew of people Michael had previously fired.  Frank DiLeo, also on the board of Sony Corp., John Branca, his former manager, Sony shareholder and the one person who had a copy still of the OLD will Michael had drawn up in 2002.  Not only were these the new kids on the block, but you'll find letters being written left and right with Michael's signature (or not) letting others go.  His accountant, for instance, was now being let go to allow the old accountant affiliated with, you guessed it, John Branca step in.  His lawyers, his nanny, I don't believe there was much left for them to try and control in Michael's life.
Top it off with their yelling, screaming, sarcasm, grabbing his arms, pushing him through doors, and treating him like a child and you have some very nasty people running the show.

It's hard to imagine that people would go to this extent and treat another human being the way they treated Michael.  If you could hear the comments from the other side right now from Elizabeth, his friend, she's not shy about sharing her feelings about it.  "Unimaginable".  The way and manner that they set about drugging him, then setting it up as if it was his own doing was well thought out and pre-meditated.  For in just a few short months, just after Conrad Murray was hired, Michael's health deteriorated from doing multiple spins in front of his crew, to barely being able to do one. When he first died this was my first clue to his death.  I felt like someone had been drugging me.  It had been going on for a while.

The infamous shot that killed Michael still remains in evidence at the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department. Still, I believe, not tested for fingerprints.  The press, the word on the street, every where I turn is that Michael died from an overdose.  Those words bring me back to 1995 and the title of that catalog "I Took an Overdose" every time I hear it.  It makes me wonder what kind of childhood John Branca must have had for his actions to be so crass and cold hearted.

If you're like me, even when you hear the truth, sometimes get it thrown right in your face, you don't want to believe it.  Michael was sweet, genuine, and wished nothing but healing and love for the world.  He wasn't perfect, but no one could even fathom anyone wanting to wish him harm. Thanks to another blog commenter yesterday, we can see how things like this do transpire. Unbeknownst to me, another musician was murdered not that long ago by his manager.  The press screamed "overdose" while everyone else knew his manager did it.  As it was said, he was worth more dead than alive.  

Jimi Hendrix's roadie says guitarist's manager murdered him
Read more at http://www.nme.com/news/nme/45021#JDihgtBedIbXu1Hj.99


Sony; The Real Deal - An Act of Pure Desperation

I hadn't planned on this post today, however, a dear friend emailed me that while watching the Grammy's she saw a SONY commercial which was playing the music of Michael Jackson - "Don't Stop Until You Get Enough"

While many companies use music from artists to market their products, Sony holds a special place in the life of Michael Jackson.  As you can see from the photo at right, this is how Michael really felt about Sony.  It seems the feelings were mutual when they conspired to steal away his music catalog (used in the Sony commercial) as well as his prized Beatles catalog.

Although it has been painted in the media that Michael Jackson was a desperate man, and now his mother Katherine in her appeal for the AEG case, I can say with certainty that the truth of the matter is that it was Sony's act of pure desperation to acquire what Michael had.

Below are just the latest headlines that show the downfall of the music giant and their intermingling s with Michael's work:

"The industry is down to three major record companies. Universal Music acquired EMI’s recorded music business in 2012. An investor group led by Sony Corp. (6758), owner of Sony Music Entertainment, acquired EMI’s publishing business. In 2011, billionaire Len Blavatnik acquired Warner Music Group."


"It is the first time that the Grand Theatrical Rights to The Beatles’ back catalogue have been granted by Sony/ATV for a theatre production."

Read more: http://www.ashbournenewstelegraph.co.uk/News/Beatles-West-End-show-spectacular-20140117085330.htm#ixzz2rbiJo6Cn


"In Law360's latest roundup of new actions at the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board, Sony and Microsoft take their video game battle to the TTAB, Pinterest gets hit with a logo opposition and Beatles drummer Ringo Starr defends his world-famous name. "


"Sony Cut to Junk as Latest Turnaround Dies"

Read more: Sony Cut to Junk as Latest Turnaround Dies - Sony Corp (ADR) (NYSE:SNE) - 24/7 Wall St. http://247wallst.com/consumer-electronics/2014/01/27/sony-cut-to-junk-as-latest-turnaround-dies/#ixzz2rbjeGDOZ 


"QUINCY JONES Lawsuit, Sues Michael Jackson’s Estate!"

"Jones claims that the manner in which Jackson’s work was used in the film and soundtrack of “This Is It”, as well as the Michael Jackson Cirque du Soleil productions and also the 25th anniversary edition of “Bad”, all are in breach of contract. Included in the lawsuit is Sony Music Entertainment who is the parent company of Jackson’s own label, Epic Records."


Michael Jackson's family pursuing appeal in case against AEG

"An attorney for AEG called the motion "an act of pure desperation."



The following quote from Rumi was requested by Michael just this last year.  Taking a look at what is transpiring, I do believe there is some truth in this:

"What is justice? Giving water to trees. What is injustice? To give water to thorns. Justice consists in bestowing bounty in its proper place, not on every root that will absorb water. "

- Rumi


Man in the Mirror PROJECT: Results of Abuse: More of My Story

"Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day. The effects are more harmful because they're so frequent."
- Psychology Today

It was in June, 2009, when my world fell apart.  I had just come to the realization that everyone, and I mean everyone, was abandoning me and my children.  I was leaving my marriage after 22 years.  The abuse cycle in the family of both my ex and my own had reached it's limit.  I no longer wanted that life, or to teach my children the same way to live.  I was told to report the physical abuse to the authorities and if I didn't, my son would be taken away.

It was also that June, when the people who I thought were supposed to love me, my parents walked out.  My husband, whom I also thought loved me betrayed me and my friends did the same.  On the 25th I found out that the one piece of my world that I thought was still in place was taken as well.  Michael Jackson was pronounced dead.  The next day, the 26th, I would have to put my dog Duke asleep.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table devastated.  I couldn't move and I couldn't think.  I just sat there staring out the kitchen window.  I was numb, frozen and paralyzed.  I was alone.  I waited for God to take me.  Maybe he would take me in the next days by a car accident, maybe my ex would shoot me.  I could think of no reason to be on the earth anymore.  The message from all of my loved ones was loud and clear "You don't matter and we don't care."

I went to my bathroom and threw myself down on the floor.  I screamed at god in my head why he would do this to me.  After all I had been through, all that I had tried to be and all Michael and I had been through, why would he take everything away.  "Just take me now.  Take me too.", I begged.

I used to meditate in that bathroom.  I would look up the tree just outside the window and somehow get a sense of peace. This day I noticed the leaves were torn from a bug infestation. "Even the tree I love is dying", I thought.  I felt hopeless when a voice from behind me said "Would you have me take the tree too?"

I stopped crying at once and pondered the thought.  Of course not.  I loved the tree.  It helped me just by being there.

That's when the understanding came over me that I had to just "be" here.  I picked myself up and resolved to do the best I could.

Since then I have been hit with more.  It almost feels like someone throwing mud balls at you every time you try to get back on your feet.   People have literally gone out of their way to be mean and the wishes from my family for me to fail have been incredible.  My mother to this day sends my children birthday cards to my ex's house.  I have heard that she said if she sends them to my house I would take the money and use it for groceries.  I have promised my children when they are grown that if there ever comes a time when they need money for groceries they can come to me.

It's the digs like these, the continued emotional abuse that continues to beat you down.  You might think you are done when you step out of the cycle with family, but you're not.  You have learned your relationship from your family.  Chances are you will engage in the same types of relationships until you come to full realization and vigilance in maintaining them.

It was few years after I settled into our new home when the tenth bout of why is this happening came.  I had just received an email from someone I hadn't heard from in two years saying  "Good bye.  You know what you did."  How could I know what I did when I wasn't even around this women?  Obviously whatever it was, was my fault.

I later found that she, along with my other friends at the time, my mother and aunt were all talking about me behind my back.  After two years with not any of them talking to me, they decided what I was doing, how I was doing it, and I guess blamed whatever they created I was doing on me.  Go figure that one out.  When god says we are creators, he did mean it literally.

So it hit me again.  I went to the bathroom with that can't catch your breath kind of crying.  That's when Michael came in to help me.  Michael (Jackson) stood with me telling me I wasn't alone, but that wasn't' good enough.  It didn't make the pain go away as sweet as it was for him to reach out. He kept repeating the words telling me he was there to help when finally he got so frustrated I heard him call for Elizabeth.

"Elizabeth!" I can still hear the desperation in his voice and later I even teased him about it.  But it was sweet and Elizabeth couldn't have been more kind.  She asked why I felt the way I did, what happened and even relayed the information back to Michael.  Since then we have compared notes on our lives and realized some very important lessons that we have both needed to learn.

It involves boundaries.  If you listen to the psychic reading on the side bar, she is also speaking with Michael during the reading.  He said you think people are trying to help you, but it's control, it's abuse.  He didn't realize this when he lived and was literally killed at the hands of abusers.

As we work together now, we are still learning how to become better at it.  For each time you are treated with the same kind of behavior you close your heart more.  You don't want to be hurt again.  It's natural.  But your sense of self worth deteriorates, your sense of being is diminished if you let the behavior of others define you.

The key we have found is that you can be loving, but loving with boundaries.  We must not confuse love with accepting bad behavior.  Jesus or the Archangels didn't cast the devil out by saying "It's ok.  I know you have caused havoc and evil everywhere, but go ahead and stay.  We love you anyway."  They set  boundaries and standards for their heaven and we should do the same.

When it comes to emotional abusers we can love who they really are - divine beings, but we don't have to love what they do.  Most of all you must learn not to let them define you or accept responsibility for their bad behavior.  When you realize this, you will free yourself from chains in your life you never knew existed.  You can then be brave enough to open your heart up, knowing you have secure boundaries set in place to protect your well being.  Now you are on your way to a new life and a new way of living.

Recommended reading:  Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud


Man in the Mirror PROJECT: It Happened to Me; Emotional Abuse

"If your abusive parents were a great part of your life, your social circles may overlap. Word of your “needing space” will spread through your social circles. If your parents are particularly destructive, they may spread terrible rumors about you and do everything they can to convince mutual friends and relatives that you are mentally ill, that you are a liar, that you are somehow suffering a breakdown.  Narcissistic parents will tear down their child to save themselves and their positive image"

Our segment a few days ago on emotional abuse continues with tips for the adult survivors of emotional abuse. Part of the outreach with Man in the Mirror PROJECT is to break down long seeded patterns within ourselves. Part of that process will be breaking down patterns in families.  Many of us have no idea that we have been emotionally abused.  Many of us "think" we have had "normal" childhoods, however still can't put a finger on why we feel so badly about ourselves..  This will be part of educating and healing yourself.  Your part in healing will play a role in your children's lives as well.  The more healing we do, the more it will affect our world.

Even if your goal is to meet your twin flame soul mate, this will have a direct effect on your efforts.  These are part of the patterns that will keep you from your flame or compel you to come together.  All relationships stem from our first relationship with our parents, but this isn't about them, as much as it is about us.  Education is key.  If you know the why's and how you have internalized what has happened in your life, you can begin healing and starting your life in a new way.

Some years ago, this happened to me.  I was in an abusive relationship unable to leave for years.  When the abuse started to affect my children on a physical level, I sought help.  My parents only had to tell me that if I left the marriage, no one would want me.  When I sought professional help, they said that if I decided to leave, I should know that I would no longer have a family.  They were right.  The moment I filed for divorce my mother began to spread rumors that I was having an affair.  Then I heard it was because I was going through menopause at the ripe old age of 42.  My aunt jumped in to save me only until my divorce was final.  At that point she made contact with the only friends I had left as support and spread more lies about me, turning stories around to make it seem like I was the vindictive one.    

When we go through these things with family members, sometimes we are shocked.  Here, the people that are supposed to love you have not only abandon you, but have set you up to fail, and gone out of their way to make sure you do.  They take joy in your agony.  These are the emotional abusers.  You don't want to believe it.  For when you are young you have to believe they love you.  It's your only survival mechanism.  You have to, because they are the only ones you have to depend on for your livelihood.  Unfortunately, when you grow older you then begin to think that "abuse" is love.  It's not.  And you may find yourself in unfulfilled relationships for the rest of your life until you know what it is that has affected you personally and how you can heal and move on from it..  

Most of us don't think we need healing.  Most of us would never consider going to counseling.  I can assure you, however, that 99.9% of the people out there have some sort of abuse in their family.  The cycle will continue unless you are brave enough to stop it for you and your children.  So let's take a look at what tips there are for adults to heal from this and what the characteristics are of an abusive mother, father, spouse, etc.

Characteristics of emotional abuse

The weapons used for emotional child abuse don’t rely on strength and bulk; the abuser relies on words and emotional warfare.

Though emotional abuse does include outright screaming (called terrorizing), people who watch such movies or TV programs may think, “Oh, I yell at my kid sometimes. Who doesn’t?”  What they fail to realize is that—unlike normal bursts of temper—emotional abuse is long-term… and the shouting is part of a long series of shouts.
Emotional abuse is systematic.“Psychological abuse of a child is a pattern of intentional verbal or behavioral actions or lack of actions that convey to a child the message that he or she is worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only of value to meet someone else’s needs.” (Samantha Gluck, Healthy Place: America’s Mental Health Channel article)
How emotionally abusive parents tear at the child’s sense of self varies. Here are some examples of the different types of emotional child abuse.
Giving the silent treatment.“No discussion of emotional abuse through words would be complete without including the absence of words as a form of abuse. This is commonly known as the “silent treatment.” Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment.” (Dr. Gregory Jantz, “Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Silent Treatment Abuser” article)
Ranking children unnecessarily. 
Being condescending. Abusive parents treat their children as if the kids are beneath them.
Bunny boiling.  This type of abuse destroys something that the child cherishes.
Gaslighting children. Abusive parents will play mind games with their children. It involves saying or doing something then pretending it never happened or happened differently from how it really happened. “Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.” (Theodore L. Dorpat,”Gaslighting, the Double Whammy, Interrogation, and Other Methods of Covert Control in Psychotherapy and Analysis“)
Scapegoating. “Scapegoating is a serious family dysfunctional problem with one member of the family or a social group being blamed for small things, picked on and constantly put down. In scapegoating, one of the authority figures has made a decision that somebody in the family has to be the bad guy. The mother or father makes one child bad and then looks for things (sometimes real, but most often imagined) that are wrong.” (Lynn Namaka, “Scapegoating“)
Often, the emotional child abuser will encourage, through his or her actions and treatment of the scapegoat, the other children to also pick on the scapegoat, so that the scapegoat has no allies in the family.
Sabotaging. An emotional child abuser will sabotage a child’s calm and peace. For example, if a child looks forward to a television program, at the last minute, the emotional child abuser may deliberately set forth a ridiculously long chore list to be done before the child can watch the show. (Think of the evil stepmother in “Cinderella,” who set up Cinderella to fail by giving her too long a list of items to do before the ball.) Or the father will deliberately schedule a family meeting at the same time that a child had planned ahead of time to attend a friend’s birthday party. Like all forms of emotional child abuse, sabotaging ruins a child’s sense of security.
Favoritism. The opposite side of scapegoating is favoritism. “Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers…. Favoritism becomes dysfunctional when actions and opportunities, resources and liberties are systematically denied or applied inequitably for no logical reason and without just cause.” (Out of the FOG)
An example of favoritism is when an emotional child abuser will let one child get a car ride to school with friends, but the other child must walk or ride a bicycle to school even though that child also was offered a ride by friends. Or one child has a completely different set of rules to adhere to while the other child has less or more relaxed rules.
Triangulation. An emotionally abuse parent will maintain a sense of power of his children by creating conflict between them. The children will be manipulated into conflicts with one another.
For example, a father will talk to Child A about Child B and say how he is upset with Child B because Child B said some terrible things about Child A. Child A will then be angry with Child B for both hurting her feelings and also for making the father sad. Child A and Child B will rarely discuss the incident because the parent has set up the children to distrust one another. Another example: a mother will vent her feelings about Child D to Child E, describing that child as taxing and irritating and whiny… then Child D will start viewing Child E in that light. Child D trusts the parent and will take her side. Meanwhile, the parent will talk to Child E about Child D.
Pathological (or compulsive) lying. “Compulsive Lying is a term used to describe lying frequently out of habit, without much regard for the consequences to others and without having an obvious motive to lie. A compulsive liar is someone who habitually lies.”
An emotional child abuser will often lie to his child. The lying will often go hand in hand with gaslighting, so that the parent will deny the lie. For example, a parent will tell a child, “If you get straight A’s this quarter, I will buy you an iPod Touch.” When the child gets straight A’s, the parent will deny the statement. “I never promised you an iPod Touch!” The combination of the lie and then the outright denial, if it’s habitual and consistent, will cause the child to begin to question his memory and, in some cases, sanity. The child becomes increasingly self-doubting.
Smearing. Smear campaigners carefully and strategically use lies, exaggerations, suspicions and false accusations to try destroying your credibility. They hide behind a cloak of upstanding heroism and feigned innocence in an attempt to make as many people as possible think their efforts are based not on their vindictiveness, but on upstanding concern.
Ignoring. Parents ignore the significant events in the child’s life. They ignore the child in general and refuse to discuss any interests or activities that the child may have. They seem bothered by the existence of the child. The abusive parent will cut short conversations, interrupt the child, mock the child for his/her interests, and treat the child as if she is a nuisance.
Corrupting. Parents teach the abused child to be a racist and bigot. They encourage violence and anger, and they advocate bullying. The parents reward the child for substance abuse or bigotry; promote illegal activities; and/or reward the child for such behaviors as lying, stealing, etc.
Terrorizing. This behavior is what people first think about when they think of emotional child abuse. Parents threaten the child verbally; they yell, scream, or curse. The parents swing from rage to warmth to rage, ridicule the child, and/or force the child to watch inhumane acts. The abusive parent keeps the child on edge, jumpy, nervous about meltdown. 
Isolating. Parents leave the child unattended for very long periods of time. They keep the child away from family, friends, and peers, etc. They punish the child for engaging in normal activities and make the child become a misfit. They force the child to do excessive chores or excessive studying to keep them isolated. The child will not have the same opportunities as his or her peers to engage in social interactions but be forced to constantly sacrifice his childhood for the sake of the parents’ demands.

Tips for Adult Survivors

adult-survivor-of-emotional-child-abuse-smNote: The following are tips and ideas about healing from abuse but are simply suggestions. For direct advice and counseling, I highly recommend seeking professional help (You’ll be so glad you did.)
An emotionally abused child usually continues being emotionally abused by the parents long into adulthood. The patterns have already been established since the child’s earliest years. The dynamics of the family have been set into place. Nothing is to drastically change it—unless the child grown up awakens.
Some adults experience a jolt, a sudden flash of memory, that is triggered by an event, a song, a movie scene, anything, really. Others remain asleep until the abusive parents become abusive grandparents—continuing the cycle of emotional abuse to the adult survivor’s children. Others will just reach the point where they cannot take it anymore; enough is enough.
And the abused child-turned-adult awakens, slowly realizing that not everything is as it has seemed. Everything is different now.
Taking the red pill regarding your emotionally abusive childhood leads to a very difficult path—but the important thing is that it is a path. You no longer remain stuck, wondering about the pervasive depression or sorrow.
Best of all, you can break the cycle. You can heal. You can reclaim yourself.
Here are some suggestions as  you begin your path to healing.

Create some distance between you and your abusive parent.

You will find it difficult to put your new thoughts in perspective if you are still immersed into your parents’ lives. So, you need to create some space. Let them know that you need time to think about things.
“Adult children who have never spiritually and emotionally separated from their parents often need time away. They have spent their whole lives embracing and keeping and have been afraid to refrain from embracing and to throw away from of their outgrown ways of relating. They need to spend some time building boundaries against the old ways and creating new ways of relating that for a while may feel alienating to their parents.” Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No and Take Control of Your Life, pg. 38)
In some cases, adult children will find healing, and they will eventually find new ways of communicating with their parents that is healthy.
However, do note that in many cases, especially when dealing with narcissistic parents, your saying you need space will be seen as throwing down a gauntlet. In some extreme cases, narcissistic parents will sense that their adult child is beginning to awaken and the abuse will increase (and even get outrageous).
Don’t give up! Stay awake, stay vigilant. Give yourself space in which to think.
“You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you should wait until it is safe and until real patterns of change have been demonstrated before you go back.” (Boundaries book, pg. 38)
Again, in the case of narcissistic parents, they are never going to get it. You should talk to your therapist about that fact and about toxic relationships.

Take your time.

As you awaken, you will find yourself with all sorts of emotions rushing through you. Emotionally abused children usually do not have a great gamut of emotions, so many of these feelings will be uncomfortable, difficult to stand, inspire guilt. For example, you will feel anger towards your abusive parents—and then, you will feel guilt about thinking such terrible things about your parents. That’s natural. You’ve been set up your entire life to only think of your parents’ feelings and not your own… but that’s going to change. Take your time, explore different emotions, go to therapy regularly.
The adult child will have a hard time slowing down, at first. The child within them is used to jumping to serve the abusive parent and reacting quickly without thinking, for fear of punishment. But you no longer have to fear your abusive parent. Take  your time. Take all the time you need… as long as you move away from the abuse and toward healing.

Educate yourself about emotional child abuse.

You’ll be going through myriad emotions, so you should read to better understand how healing is a process and will not happen overnight. You can find a starter’s recommending readings here.
In the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No and Take Control of Your Lifeby Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, the clinical psychologists discuss the severe impact of being raised without boundaries and its affects into adulthood. Also, look at the various sites here for information about emotional child abuse and healing.

Be patient and loving with yourself. 

This merits repeating. Many adult children who awaken grow furious at themselves for having taken the abuse for so long. Be kind to yourself, however. The emotionally abused child that you were had no understanding that the abuse was not normal. The emotionally abused child was raised in emotional captivity—how could she or he know about anything else? View the fact that you have emerged from such captivity now as a miracle. Be grateful that you are awakening. 

Surround yourself with good, supportive friends.

Humans are social creatures. We need others. We need community. The awakening to one’s abusive childhood can make the adult child feel like they have no one in the world… but they do. Turn to good friends (some friends may share their own similar stories). If you don’t have friends who can relate to you or offer the emotional support you need, consider online forums for help. (Just make sure the fit is right. You want healing and resources for healing with healthy doses of ranting—not constant nonstop ranting.)
“Fear of being alone keeps many in hurtful patterns for years. They are afraid that if they set boundaries, they will not have any love in their life. When they open themselves up to support from others, however, they find that the abusive person is not the only source of love in the world and that they can find the strength through their support system to set the limits they need to set… The other reason we need others is because we need new input and teaching.” (Boundaries book, pg. 39)

Understand you may lose friends and family members—but let them go.

 When an adult survivor begins to process his abusive childhood, he will start becoming a different person, a more authentic self. The mask of “the perfect upbringing” or the “happy childhood” is stripped as the adult comes to understand that what happened in childhood was neither normal or healthy. Some people in the survivor’s life will have a huge problem accepting what is happening.
If your abusive parents were a great part of your life, your social circles may overlap. Word of your “needing space” will spread through your social circles. If your parents are particularly destructive, they may spread terrible rumors about you and do everything they can to convince mutual friends and relatives that you are mentally ill, that you are a liar, that you are somehow suffering a breakdown.  Narcissistic parents will tear down their child to save themselves and their positive image; they will even claim to not know what is happening or why you are not happy in the relationship.
Know that, if your abusive parents are abusive in secret, most people will take their side. If your parents are charming and “pillars of the community,” you will find yourself alone in your truth.  
Don’t cave in. Go to therapy. Educate yourself. Hold fast to the truth. Better to be alone in the truth than in the company of liars and their followers.
You may also find some of your closest friends not believing you and turning from you. They remember you as a happy person, always compliant, always talking about how wonderful your childhood was… They will have problems understanding that you were raised in a dictatorship, that you always used the wording that those in charge made you use, that you knew all the dictator’s slogans about being happy—and yet, deep inside, you were dying emotionally. Some friends may reject the hurting you because they do not want to either look at their own childhood, look at their own parenting, or look for a truly caring relationship.
Let the people walking away from you go. Let them go. True friends, good friends from the heart, will come and replace them in time.
“The problem with friends and family is that they know us as we are. They are invested in maintaining us as we are. The last thing we want is to remain as we are… With some exceptions (God bless them), friends and family are the enemy of this unmanifested you, this unborn self, this future being. Prepare yourself to make new friends. They will appear, trust me.” (author Steven Pressfield, “Do the Work“)
Remaining steadfast in your pursuit of an authentic life will be difficult—but you will not regret it. Your heart will hurt. You will feel sad. But you will also feel a deep sense of empowerment and self-respect—new feelings to the abused child.

Keep a journal.

journalWrite down what you are going through. Don’t stress about proper grammar, punctuation, etc. Just write whatever you feel. Get it out. Like Winston Smith in George Orwell’s novel “Nineteen Eighty-Four,” you must write your true feelings.
Write about…
    • Memories that come up (Don’t edit yourself. Let it all out.)
    • What pisses you off and what pissed you off (Your journal will never tell you to stop ranting. It will never tell you to just let it go.)
    • What is happening in your relationship with your abusive parents.
    • Good advice that you may have received.
    • Epiphanies that you may have had
    • Whatever you want to write about
    • Quotes that inspire you.
    • Your side of arguments.
Don’t forget that you can also use the journal to draw your thoughts, sketch things, and even clip out magazine articles and glue them on pages.
The journal will prove a worthy companion on your road to healing. It will show you the places you’ve been and the progress that you have made. 

Be mindful of your relationships.

In awakening, the adult child may realize that many of his/her relationships mirror the same destructive pattern as the one they have with their parents. The adult child, not knowing any better, may have friends who treat them with the same abusive language and attitude that they have had in their youth. If you come to this realization, again, be gentle with yourself. You didn’t know. In captivity, you made friends with captors of different sizes and colors and shapes. But now, you can change this. You can choose your relationships. 

Pray or meditate.

Praying to a higher power can help you focus on the ultimate relationship. It also helps you reach beyond yourself, beyond the human relationships, to find the love that does not fail. However, some abused children have had their religious faith or beliefs used against them by their abusers. Know that the abuse comes from people, not God. Talk to your priest, minister, rabbi, etc. to discuss your conflicted feelings. It’s all right.

Let yourself receive love.

If you have a good circle of friends, if you have a spouse who understands what is happening, let yourself receive that love, support, and understanding. The adult survivor can find it hard to be loved. (“How can anyone love me if my own parents didn’t?”) But know that your parents’ failure to love you is a failure in them—not you. You are lovable.  

Accept change.

Your life will change in both enormous and very tiny ways once you awaken to the truth. Holidays, Sunday dinners, etc., will be different once  you have distanced yourself from your abusive parents. At first, you will feel a crippling loneliness… but then remember the truth of how those holidays or dinners were. You may have had some beautiful moments in your relationship with your abusive parents—but be honest with yourself. How many good moments did you really have? How wonderful were those events really? 
You now have the opportunity to make your own traditions for holidays and events and Sunday dinners. You no longer have to abide by rules and decrees put into place by your abusive parents.
You get to be the adult. Embrace that fact. 

Find a creative outlet.

Take up running, knitting, drawing, sailing, sewing, woodworking—anything. Your mind and heart will be going into overdrive as you awaken. You need to find something that can be a healthy balm on your frayed nerves and fragile heart.

Don’t give up.

speak-the-truthDon’t give up. Don’t quit. Rest, sure. Take a little time to just lose yourself in music or TV or books for a little while… then continue on. DON’T QUIT. Don’t stop on your path to healing. Sometimes, the sorrow will be biting and cold—but don’t quit.
Know you are worthy of love, of respect, of kindness, of happiness, of dignity.
Know you matter.
Know that your life does make a difference

source:  The Invisible Scar