"Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."
- Carl Jung
Looking at our man in the mirror can be an intensive process. Yet if we dare to look inside for the reasons we do what we do and how we act, we can begin to make small changes for our self that not only can improve our quality of life, but in the world around us as well.
I've recently been introspecting the cycles in family relationships. Most of us get our response systems handed to us from our experiences as children. Your parents, your teachers, your friends, all of these relationships and experiences with those relationships, help form the emotional and mental bodies that you are accustom to. For many of us, we've had not so good pasts. Abuse, both physical and emotional, leave secret wounds that we ourselves don't and sometimes can't see unless we do become introspective.
There is a man that I know that is estranged from his children. I know he hurts deeply, but the emotional wounds he has left with his children have not been overcome. His children are angry at him and he is angry with his children. I know him differently than his children do. I was afforded the opportunity to speak with him about his childhood long ago. His father would call him names, pull him by the ears and speak badly about him. In his childhood, he internalized his father's words and actions in the form of his self worth. I don't think he realizes that it is that same self worth that prevents him from reaching across the divide to heal his relationship with his children.
When you have low self worth like this, when you have been put down as a child, you carry that feeling with you. Today he says that if he were to show up at an event for the family, his children would make fun of him. He truly believes his children don't even like him. And although the children themselves may say this, the fact remains that we all long to be loved and accepted. Especially by our parents.
The actions and emotions he expressed to his children when they were little, were sometimes very unkind. As humans these types of events, the ones that hurt us most, are the kinds that stay with us as the most prominent experiences of our past. I'm quite sure there were very loving things he did for and with his children as well, but his experience from his own childhood played a heavy hand in the up bringing of his own children. He learned how to be a father from his own father. A father that berated him. And although he most likely knew this treatment was wrong, our emotional response systems automatically trigger the events and emotions from our past. They fly through our systems and soon instead of reacting out of a place of love, we may be reacting from the emotional wounds somewhere else inside of us. Not realizing that the anger we may feel in the moment most likely has nothing to do, or very little to do with the current situation. It is only a learned response. A cycle that continues until someone realizes and introspects enough to know where that feeling came from in the first place.
We are all not perfect people. We all carry these patterns of cycles within us that cause us to react. The key is to catch ourselves in the moment, or even after and ask "why did I feel that way?" "Where did that statement I made come from?" "What was I thinking?" Then when we find it, we can bring that hurt into the light and make change for ourselves. By making the change for ourselves, we can then also make change in our outside world as well.
If this man was conscious of what had transpired for him internally, I believe he would have the power to know he could apologize. If his children embraced him as an imperfect dad that was scarred as a child as well, I believe they too could find the compassion to forgive him. They will also become parents one day. Parents that will not always do what's right and best for their children. We all will and do make mistakes.
I'm posting a few clips below. The first is of a story dear to my heart. It's from a movie called "Precious". A young girl who is brought up in the projects is abused. Most likely this is a symptom of the society. A "way of life" for some people is to live off welfare. Because our mothers or fathers did this, we think that's what we are to do, or sometimes what we are told to do. We should be like "them". The mother in this movie most likely had a similar situation. She is reacting and doing only from what she knows, not realizing the harm she is causing her daughter. Precious is only seeking her love and acceptance, and in turn internalizes that she, because her mother is so abusive with her, is unloved and no one cares.
We all have a little "Precious" within us. Parts of ourselves that are insecure or that we hide from others because we feel we won't be accepted. We can react angrily towards others, cause stress within ourselves by doing this, or we can choose to live our authentic self and begin to undo the damage within to heal and transform our lives. It starts by recognizing where the feelings and thoughts came from. If we accept them as rules for our lives, we'll never begin to live as the free loving beings that we truly are. Precious is not a worthless woman. She is a great and brilliant light. Inside she has dreams. But if she never allows herself or gives herself permission to live them, she will be caught in a cycle; repeating the messages of her mind and emotions and will relive the past for the rest of her life. The man I was speaking about in the prior paragraphs is in his late 70's.
Living an authentic life means embracing who you are. You are not the thoughts and emotions from your experiences. You are the passionate dreamer, the soulful journer, the courageous adventurer ready to meet life with excitement and curiosity. Learning to let go of the past cycles and patterns that have shaped us means that we have to accept the situations and events as they were. Imperfect people engaging in imperfect patterns. We can then break free when we consciously know and feel we are the love we were created from and have the permission to live and love an authentic life.
Understanding that anothers journey isn't all that different than ours can allow us to be empathetic to someone elses patterns. We can't change what they have internalized, but we can change what we have internalized and begin to reroute the emotions of our past into powerful catalysts for our future.
Inside, we can take a look again at emotional responses. The following video represents the energy associated with reliving our past. This clip is from the movie "What the Bleep do we Know". How addictions like drugs and alcohol can make us "feel better" in the moment because we are trying to block the pain. But in the end we are only doing more harm to ourselves. Getting ourselves caught up in the same cycle until we can learn and understand where the pain came from and release it. Rerouting our thoughts into new and better places. Remember, however, our thoughts create roads. Roads inside that when traveled often create "ruts". It takes repeated attempts to get our car tires out from the ruts of a dirt road and onto a new path. So be kind with yourself as you reroute your internal path. It may take some consistency and work, but in the end you'll be free and improve your quality of life and world. You can now afford yourself the opportunity to live authentically. Defining new goals and creating the life you might have felt so undeserving of or afraid to have before. It takes just a few steps, but it always begins with you.
This last video is a demonstration of one such woman who decided to live her life authentically. Living our truth frees us from having to hide who we are. It frees us internally from shame, guilt and repeated social patterns. Like the patterns present within ourselves, when we break our patterns we can also begin breaking the patterns in society. Living our truth inspires others to live theirs.
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