"You aren't aware of the pain and struggles of another person. Even in this day our families, our sons and daughters are always there in our hearts, in our minds. But often we don't think they understand our pain. Inside it can grow like a cancer. Something you can't stop. You don't know how. It only takes one thought and then bingo, your life is taken and you are transported somewhere else.
I know many of us think of suicide. In our minds its the only way out. We don't think we have a choice. We want the pain to stop, the struggles and the nightmare. If I could only tell you how much I care. If you only knew how much so many other people really do care. Sometimes we don't think they do. We hardly ever show it in the ways that are most important, but people do care.
I struggled with many things all of my life. This go around seemed to be a blow to me. I wanted to get out of my body, get out of the hell that I thought I was going through, but nothing is compared to the hell I experience now seeing you go through the pain I have left you with. I'm sorry kiddo. Sorry for the pain I caused you and your mother. Sorry for what I did and the scars and wounds it left you with. I can't take it back. I can't take what I did back, but I can tell you this. There is no other place in the world that I would rather be than with you and your mother right now, this very moment. I mean that with all my heart. If you only knew how much I truly loved you, I hope that it would make it ok.
So good bye for now. For all I've done to increase your pain, I"m sorry. I truly am. For all your struggles, all your pain I now see you in, I'd take it all back. I'd do my life over and relive those last few days in a different place. I now see how taking my life effects the life of others and believe me it's much harder here watching them struggle than it was for me to struggle with my issues. All of us have them, all of us try and get through them, but it's not worth it in the end. Not worth taking your life to end your pain. It's inevitable. There's always another struggle ahead, another hump to get over. It's just in another disguise.
I've been blessed to have you in my life. Blessed to have this kind lady write for me, but my biggest blessing is the kindness and love you showed to me by being my daughter. I've never loved someone so much all my life. You take care and be good to your mom. My love is always with you. Ta ta for now."
***Some personal notes: I woke up to Robin this morning standing in my bedroom. He was upset. It was the first time I've seen him upset. I've seen him a handful of times since his death but not like this. He's concerned greatly and very upset about what his family is now going through. I agreed to write with him to try and help ease the pain.
He ended our conversation by telling me I was lucky. Lucky to have Michael in my life. That if he could he would jump into his arms and have him take him away himself. Somehow I think many other people might feel the same way.
May we all feel blessed today to have the people with us that we do;"they are a gift"
I just found this video of Robin and his daughter and it made me smile. Thought I'd share it.
I just found this video of Robin and his daughter and it made me smile. Thought I'd share it.
