Many years ago I was talking to Michael about an burn accident that happened while he was on the set shooting a Pepsi commercial. I wanted to make sure he was OK. He told me about some skin graphs he had to have done, but that he would be fine. After he said, "My father actually apologized. Can you believe it?" This was the first time he had ever "spoken" about the abusive relationship with his father.
Abuse is very widespread. Sometimes abuse could be happening under your very nose, and you would never know it. Abuse doesn't always leave bruises you see. The real bruises are inside and take a very long time to heal, if they ever do. The long lasting effects of abuse are devastating and can derail your life.
Just recently my son just came home with bruises again from his abuser. We've gone through the system, only to be belittled and brushed off. After them telling my son to tell them what happened, they sent him back to his abuser. He was then punished again for telling. Sometimes abusive situations can look very dismal. You can suggest therapy, try to talk about it, but in the end, you simply can't control how someone else acts. These are cyclical patterns, most often from repressed pain and cycles of abuse from their childhood. Most of us go through life thinking it might be normal. It is "our" normal anyway. How would we know healthy, when we've only experienced abuse?
No one likes to talk about abuse. It's the silent killer. No one likes to do anything about it, and if you are abused, God help you if you say anything about it to embarrass your abuser. This doesn't make your abuser a bad person, it makes your abuser someone who needs help.
Michael used to get physical ill when his father would walk into the room after the years of abuse he suffered. We hold the pain inside and even though we "grow up", we still retain the pattern of abuse inside and it's effects. The healing has to start at an individual level. One of the first thing's you can do is get yourself out of the pattern of abuse and on to a healthier life for you and/or your children.
How can you stop this destructive cycle? Here are some helpful answers from others for almost any situation:
I think victims can stop the cycle of abuse by removing themselves from the situation and not adding fuel to the fire in any way. Unless the abuser goes to counseling and gets behavior modification, long term change is unlikely. Short term, abuse will reappear on its usual cycle. This is not to say that the victim is at fault; but rather that it is safer to remove oneself from the vicious cycle and move on. The list below, which I copied from another answer, seems appropriate.
Remove Yourself from his "World" a)Relocate to a place he does not know about; get a P.O. Box and put a privacy code on it. b)Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests. [comment: have mixed feelings about working with the system; definitely do not ignore any decisions you are obligated to meet--or do not seek the final decision] c)With the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the abuser. d)Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages. e)Return all gifts he sends you. ["Return to Sender"] f)Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. [Change locks if you have not moved] g)Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him. [Keep recordings of any messages he leaves, especially threats] h)Do not answer his letters, emails, etc. i)Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies. j)Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties. k)Disconnect from third parties whom you know are contacting you at his behest. l)Do not discuss him with your children. m)Do not gossip about him. n)Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need. [Do not provide him anything or return anything to him] o)When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his. p)Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor.
Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you cope with abuse and overcome it.
Not included are legal or medical steps. Consult an attorney, an accountant, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, where appropriate.
First, you must decide:
Do you want to stay with him - or terminate the relationship?
1. I want to Stay with Him
FIVE DON'T DO'S - How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist
Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
Never offer him any intimacy;
Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
The TEN DO'S - How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST on Staying with Him
Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you.
Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace.
Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion". Treat your narcissist as you would a child.
If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having much sex - then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. If you do mind - leave him. Somatic narcissists are sex addicts and incurably unfaithful.
If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist - it simply will not happen.
If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
Finally, and most important of all: Know Yourself.
What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviors that affect you - but this can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.
(continued)
(1a) Insist on Your Boundaries - Resist Abuse
Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.
(1b) Mirror His Behavior
Mirror the narcissist�s actions and repeat his words.
If, for instance, he is having a rage attack � rage back. If he threatens � threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house � leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious � act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level.
(1c) Frighten Him
Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.
If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal � use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.
Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events.
Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way � they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.
(1d) Lure Him
Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
(1e) Play on his Fear of Abandonment
If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.
You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it � I will desert you").
The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:
Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism When completely ignored When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).
(continued)
II. I can't Take It Any Longer - I Have Decided to Leave Him
(IIa) Fight Him in Court
Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating, especially in a court of law, for instance during a deposition:
Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.
The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.
The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.
Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist will lose control.
Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".
Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information.
(IIb) If You Have Common Children
I described in "The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim" how the system is biased and titled against the victim. Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners - marital and couple therapists, counselors - are conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to specific verbal cues.
The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided - in other words, that it is invariably "triggered" either by the victim or by the mental health problems of the abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy) or another (medication).
This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment - or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.
(continued)
The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good of the children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win the therapist's sympathy.
Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.
I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and pathologize the victim.
(IIc) Refuse All Contact
Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.
But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.
Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.
Return all gifts he sends you.
Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.
Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
Do not answer his letters.
Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.
Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.
Do not discuss him with your children.
Do not gossip about him.
Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his.
Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
Only times I ever knew this kind of stuff to get a happy ending began by the victim leaving, with the kids, pets, family car, whatever, until the abuser had shown SUSTAINED PROOF that they were getting outside help (3 months seems to work).
Rule one: There are good reasons why the law says you can't be a lover and a therapist ... so don't try.
While I am on the subject, if you feel you are in any way to blame, try to find outside help yourself. If you get the right kind you'll either identify fix whatever is your responsibility, or learn how to see that pretty much none of it is. (You know you need help with this cutting stuff anyway, so what's to lose?).
Rule Two: Only way a relationship is ever going to work is between two equals.
There is no real difference between:
a) You as victim, spouse as abuser. b) You as Judge, spouse as penitent.
They are just psychological and emotional mirror images.
It's just as unhealthy and dysfunctional for you to manipulate and control him as it is for him to manipulate and control you.
If you do that you flip the cycle of abuse over...but you don't come close to stopping it.
Abuse is about CONTROL...controllers (this is going to be hard to believe, but it's true) relate almost as easily to BEING controlled as they do to controlling...the only way to break that up is to get them AWAY from control and into healthier situations...same goes for the victim...
Healthy people in healthy relationships do not maneuver each other, they rather accept and try to understand each other and grow as much honesty and intimacy between them as they possibly can.
The only way to truly break the cycle of abuse in the long term is if both parties determine to set course for being healthy people in a healthy relationship.
If you can't get that deal, it's time to walk.
Personally, in your situation I would also insist on a "no firearms, no ammo" deal until he can learn to use them responsibly. I'm sure his "gun to head" scenarios are mind games, but a loaded gun is a dangerous toy ... this could end in several kinds of tragedy he never intended.
Sometimes people don't have time and something should be done. There is no one worth enough to constantly receive abuse from them. No one should go through that and no one deserves that. Emotional, physical or otherwise.
I'll tell you how the cycle of abuse I was in stopped.
I was smacked around and punched on a regular basis, but I loved him so I stayed. I was young and very very naive. I finally stood up to him and told him to leave. He gave me the " I love you but I'm not in love with you, I care about you but I don't want to be with you, I'll take care of you and give you money but I won't live with you" just so he could feel the power like he made the decision to leave. Those were the best 2 weeks of my life. I was relaxed and was free to breath. He came back after 2 weeks, broke into my apartment and beat me up beyond recognition because he said I was cheating on him. He said if I wasn't going to be with him then no one else would be with me either. That night he ran and I called 911. The police found him and arrested him and put him in jail, unfortunately for the law he could only be kept for 3 months and was released. While he was in jail, I built up my case and moved out of state. When he was released he didn't contact me which really shocked me because of his possessive behavior. The turning point came about when he was placed in jail again for 5 more months for violation of probation and he wrote me letters crying begging for me to come back. Saying how he was sorry and wanted to make it up to me. I went for a year not sleeping at night only a few hours during the day, going out and constantly looking over my shoulder and drinking to forget about everything that happened. The point that I realized I was strong was when I returned to the state he lives in to finalize my divorce and I went to the jail to confront him and he cried like a baby. He cried like a baby, like I had done all those times when he hit me for no reason and I did the same thing to him that he did to me: I showed absolutely no emotion. After my visit to him he sent me letter after letter doing the same thing he always did, trying to make me feel bad. He said how much I hurt him by not consoling him. I never responded and finally realized what I had told him, that we were over. Now I am happily in a relationship with a wonderful person who lets me be me.
WOW! I've really been hit with revealations this morning.
The cycle of abuse stops when you and I take back our power.
Today I realized that I am still very angry and justisfiably so. In fact I am considering seeking professional counseling to help me overcome my anger which has been an open sore that my violaters continued to pick at to keep me sore and wounded. I realized this morning that I never really properly healed from my abusive experiences by very sick people who run several versions of a destructive theology that has ruined thousands of lives over the course of 7 decades and left most involved in varying degrees of insanity.
They never wanted for me to heal. I don't care about what my violaters feel anymore. I'm fed up with being nice and concerned. I wish all of them a painful hell.
I decided that I have been blessed in more ways than one greatly in the coming new year and don't want to carry any garbage from my past along with me into my new life. This morning I chose freedom. This morning I decided to take my life back. This morning I decided that I finished with religion and really have been for over 2 years now.
Please wish me luck.
Best Wishes For The Future...
Remove Yourself from his "World" a)Relocate to a place he does not know about; get a P.O. Box and put a privacy code on it. b)Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests. [comment: have mixed feelings about working with the system; definitely do not ignore any decisions you are obligated to meet--or do not seek the final decision] c)With the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the abuser. d)Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages. e)Return all gifts he sends you. ["Return to Sender"] f)Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. [Change locks if you have not moved] g)Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him. [Keep recordings of any messages he leaves, especially threats] h)Do not answer his letters, emails, etc. i)Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies. j)Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties. k)Disconnect from third parties whom you know are contacting you at his behest. l)Do not discuss him with your children. m)Do not gossip about him. n)Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need. [Do not provide him anything or return anything to him] o)When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his. p)Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
Answer
How to cope with your abuser?Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor.
Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you cope with abuse and overcome it.
Not included are legal or medical steps. Consult an attorney, an accountant, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, where appropriate.
First, you must decide:
Do you want to stay with him - or terminate the relationship?
1. I want to Stay with Him
FIVE DON'T DO'S - How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist
Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
Never offer him any intimacy;
Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
The TEN DO'S - How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST on Staying with Him
Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you.
Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace.
Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion". Treat your narcissist as you would a child.
If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having much sex - then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. If you do mind - leave him. Somatic narcissists are sex addicts and incurably unfaithful.
If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist - it simply will not happen.
If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
Finally, and most important of all: Know Yourself.
What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviors that affect you - but this can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.
(continued)
Answer
(continued)(1a) Insist on Your Boundaries - Resist Abuse
Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.
(1b) Mirror His Behavior
Mirror the narcissist�s actions and repeat his words.
If, for instance, he is having a rage attack � rage back. If he threatens � threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house � leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious � act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level.
(1c) Frighten Him
Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.
If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal � use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.
Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events.
Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way � they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.
(1d) Lure Him
Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
(1e) Play on his Fear of Abandonment
If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.
You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it � I will desert you").
The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:
Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism When completely ignored When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).
(continued)
Answer
(continued)II. I can't Take It Any Longer - I Have Decided to Leave Him
(IIa) Fight Him in Court
Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating, especially in a court of law, for instance during a deposition:
Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.
The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.
The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.
Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist will lose control.
Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".
Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information.
(IIb) If You Have Common Children
I described in "The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim" how the system is biased and titled against the victim. Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners - marital and couple therapists, counselors - are conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to specific verbal cues.
The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided - in other words, that it is invariably "triggered" either by the victim or by the mental health problems of the abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated one way (talk therapy) or another (medication).
This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment - or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.
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Refusal to do so - in other words, refusal to risk further abuse - is harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive!The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good of the children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win the therapist's sympathy.
Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.
I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and pathologize the victim.
(IIc) Refuse All Contact
Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.
Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.
But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.
Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.
Return all gifts he sends you.
Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.
Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.
Do not answer his letters.
Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.
Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.
Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.
Do not discuss him with your children.
Do not gossip about him.
Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.
When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his.
Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.
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Firstly, this is not hopeless, the cycle of abuse CAN be broken, but on the other hand it doesn't work out very often.Only times I ever knew this kind of stuff to get a happy ending began by the victim leaving, with the kids, pets, family car, whatever, until the abuser had shown SUSTAINED PROOF that they were getting outside help (3 months seems to work).
Rule one: There are good reasons why the law says you can't be a lover and a therapist ... so don't try.
While I am on the subject, if you feel you are in any way to blame, try to find outside help yourself. If you get the right kind you'll either identify fix whatever is your responsibility, or learn how to see that pretty much none of it is. (You know you need help with this cutting stuff anyway, so what's to lose?).
Rule Two: Only way a relationship is ever going to work is between two equals.
There is no real difference between:
a) You as victim, spouse as abuser. b) You as Judge, spouse as penitent.
They are just psychological and emotional mirror images.
It's just as unhealthy and dysfunctional for you to manipulate and control him as it is for him to manipulate and control you.
If you do that you flip the cycle of abuse over...but you don't come close to stopping it.
Abuse is about CONTROL...controllers (this is going to be hard to believe, but it's true) relate almost as easily to BEING controlled as they do to controlling...the only way to break that up is to get them AWAY from control and into healthier situations...same goes for the victim...
Healthy people in healthy relationships do not maneuver each other, they rather accept and try to understand each other and grow as much honesty and intimacy between them as they possibly can.
The only way to truly break the cycle of abuse in the long term is if both parties determine to set course for being healthy people in a healthy relationship.
If you can't get that deal, it's time to walk.
Personally, in your situation I would also insist on a "no firearms, no ammo" deal until he can learn to use them responsibly. I'm sure his "gun to head" scenarios are mind games, but a loaded gun is a dangerous toy ... this could end in several kinds of tragedy he never intended.
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I am involved with a covert abuser who is an expert in lying, withholding, neglecting, crazy-making behavior, shifting blame, pretending to be the victim, etc... After many confrontations, she switched the visible part of the abuse to entirely covert abuse. I now feel that the best way to protect myself is by rebuilding myself WITHOUT LETTING HER KNOW ABOUT IT, ie by: 1/ collecting a lot of information on abuse (especially covert abuse) 2/ Observing the situation without confronting her or letting her know that I am aware of what she is doing 3/ Avoiding contact while rebuilding my self-esteem and regaining trust in my perception of reality, with the help of family and friends (I told her I was depressed and needed to be alone and played numb on the phone a lot) 4/ I think she is gradually losing interest in me, since I act like I'm psychologically down, dead almost, and she is now turning to other "preys". Even though I feel a little cowardly, it is the only way I have found to get away. I feel that by encouraging victims to confront their abusers, you are underestimating the power of some abusers who can be extremely manipulative. Confronting them will just lead to more abuse and the victim will just lose even more strength in the process.Answer
Hey! Abuse is horribal it scars you for life, but there is a way out it takes time. I have ben a victm of abuse so i can relate but the cycle will only continue if you let it. You have to be the one to put a stop to it! If you are being abused by a spouse or loves one it is the hardest cycle to end. You love the person but if they are abuseing you mentaly or phys they realy don't love you. You relate to the abuse and sometimes feel the need for it because that's is the way that that person has expressed "love" You have to be strong get away and surround yourself with only good positive people who are then non abusive. Sorry that this is happened to you :(Answer
The cycle of abuse can be stopped abruptly in the blink of an eye or it will stop over time.Sometimes people don't have time and something should be done. There is no one worth enough to constantly receive abuse from them. No one should go through that and no one deserves that. Emotional, physical or otherwise.
I'll tell you how the cycle of abuse I was in stopped.
I was smacked around and punched on a regular basis, but I loved him so I stayed. I was young and very very naive. I finally stood up to him and told him to leave. He gave me the " I love you but I'm not in love with you, I care about you but I don't want to be with you, I'll take care of you and give you money but I won't live with you" just so he could feel the power like he made the decision to leave. Those were the best 2 weeks of my life. I was relaxed and was free to breath. He came back after 2 weeks, broke into my apartment and beat me up beyond recognition because he said I was cheating on him. He said if I wasn't going to be with him then no one else would be with me either. That night he ran and I called 911. The police found him and arrested him and put him in jail, unfortunately for the law he could only be kept for 3 months and was released. While he was in jail, I built up my case and moved out of state. When he was released he didn't contact me which really shocked me because of his possessive behavior. The turning point came about when he was placed in jail again for 5 more months for violation of probation and he wrote me letters crying begging for me to come back. Saying how he was sorry and wanted to make it up to me. I went for a year not sleeping at night only a few hours during the day, going out and constantly looking over my shoulder and drinking to forget about everything that happened. The point that I realized I was strong was when I returned to the state he lives in to finalize my divorce and I went to the jail to confront him and he cried like a baby. He cried like a baby, like I had done all those times when he hit me for no reason and I did the same thing to him that he did to me: I showed absolutely no emotion. After my visit to him he sent me letter after letter doing the same thing he always did, trying to make me feel bad. He said how much I hurt him by not consoling him. I never responded and finally realized what I had told him, that we were over. Now I am happily in a relationship with a wonderful person who lets me be me.
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I know it sounds weak to say this and I hate it, but I am also a victim of the cycle of abuse not only by him but by a court appointed psychologist also. I knew then,that I was in a no win situation. So the cycle continues on. Darn it, and I never expected, nor wanted any part of this thing called spousal abuse, yet here I sit. I have tried to educate myself on the subject, as much as I can. Thinking that if I understood it a little better I might find a way out without further hurt. I've learned many things regarding the nature of abuse,cycle of abuse, types of abuse and abusers,and some of the whys. Yet I'm still scared to death. After many years of consistently working I became disabled. My disability pension helps me to survive for which I am very grateful. But the main thing that I treasure are my two precious children. Ages 11 and 8. I had them, named them, and paid for them, and they are health insured by me, thru my former employer. So is he insured under my policies, as a matter of fact. I have always been the main contributor financially in this relationship,the main nurturer to our children,basically head of household, and/so I feel compelled by meeting the needs of my children, otherwise we would do without a lot, and because I cannot afford to further my plight in this situation, thus compensating not only what is left of me,but also my childrens welfare. I cannot, and will not for their sake. For they mean more to me, than anything life has ever offered. I call them the gifts that only God can give. My abuser works, as well but what he makes is a secret.It is the same old tired story, and I am his focus for anger. Fortunately for me, after one terrible day two years ago he'd called the police on me again after trying two other times to try to get back at me for the one time he was arrested for domestic violence. They almost arrested both of us, since I had sprayed him with pepper spray to keep him off of me. He said, the children were present when I did it, and they were not...finally my mother came by and told the police the things (that only she knows)about his abusiveness. So finally they released me and when he verbally agreed to leave and work out of town, then he was released. He comes home on weekends(every weekend). Gives the house and me the white glove treatment and if it doesn't suit him it can be hell to pay. Verbally,sometimes physically,slanderously,and threatens me with calling social services. Now my children are well cared for and I'm sure their teachers if confronted would agree but there are sometimes a few dirty dishes and laundry to be done...I cannot always keep up to his demands... I am just physically and sometimes emotionally unable. But there are no roaches, or gargage...there is always food and too many clothes for the children...there is just sometimes and not always neglected chores. I could not bare the emotional threat and strain of him somehow causing me any more added problems by bringing in a Social services visit to our home. He threatens to take the children from me, and get rid of me. He'll put me in a home,and find him someone else who can do it all. These words are a nicer way of putting it. According to him ,He has an excellent attorney,I'm disabled but he will see to it that I lose that,I had better never touch any alcohol,since I have had problems with it in my distant past,he says he could convince any of them I'm insane,inept, and a drunk. Reminding me of the time, after he was arrested for domestic violence the court appointed psychologist believed him. And it is true. I went in that psychologists office intent to tell my side of it for once. I was warned by my so-called spouse before hand that that shrink says, You're the one that has the problem! Surely enough, that psychologist was already convinced before I arrived. I had not said, but one or two things before he interrupted me and pointed his pencil accusingly at me and said, You are the one with the problem! While I watched my abuser grin at me. That was the most defenseless and scared I've ever been. I still am. My being on a physical disability (also for panic disorder)...seems to him a way to do it. My fear is not so much for myself but for my children, whom I would give my life. How can I break this terrible cycle I'm in, without jeopardizing losing my children?...yet by their hearing and seeing him abuse me cannot be good for them either. There must be a way. I am sick of the hurt and craziness of this whole thing. I do not want revenge just a way out. Why shouldn't I keep my babies? I give them everything and neglect myself, so their needs can be met,and I don't mind. Their everything to me, and as far as I'm concerned their all I've got. He's such a good con. I'm convinced the devil himself resides in him. He had some concocted idea in his head tonight (he's asleep now)that I might be seeing someone else and he'll kill me for it. Pulled back his fist called me everything that could be set to the tongue and demanded I speak,speak,speak!NOW!etc.etc.etc.etc.etc............ It is awful living this way.Answer
I know it's hard. I feel your pain. My husband just recently pulled his fist back at me and I immediately moved out into my own place. Please look in the yellow pages and go to a shelter with your kids and let the local authorities know of his actions. Something has to be done about his behaviour. Buy some protection if possible. My husband threatened to get a restraining order against me because, at one point and time we were going to couples counseling and got into an argument. He actually wen t and got the papers to try and scare me. This is when I knew it was time to leave. Please be safe. I hope things get better for you. God BlessAnswer
i DONT KNOW IF YOU CAN ACTUALLY STOP THE CYLE AS THE ABUSER FIRST HAS TO REALISE THAT THEY ARE ABUSIVE, WHICH MANY UNFORTUNATLY ARE UNABLE TO SEE. i KNOW THAT AN EX GIRLFRIEND OF MY EX PARTNER CALLED ME AFTER HE HAD SAID CALL HER IF YOU THINK I WAS THAT BAD SHE CALLED HIS BLUFF. AND WE DISCUSSED ISSUES THAT WERE GOING ON . THE ABUSE THAT HAPPENED TO ME ALSO HAPPENED TO HER, WHICH REAFIRMED TO ME THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST SERIAL ABUSERS. THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN STOP THE ABUSE IS TO GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND SHOW THE PERSON THAT THE WAY THAT THEY ARE TREATING YOU ISNT ACCEPTABLE. MAYBE AT SOME POINT THE PENNY WILL DROP. YET YOU WILL BE SAFE AND MOVING ON WITH YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THE WEIGHT THAT THE ABUSER IS PUTTING YOU UNDER.Answer
It is impossible to stop the cycle of abuse when you are living with a narcisstic psychopath.It will stop only when you decide to leave . Abusers are incapable of functioning in a loving relationship;and will use violence-be it verbal or physical, as a means to control you and every move you make.The charismatic charlatan you fell in love with, was but a figment of your imagination;and his.The person you thought you knew, never even existed .He has no conscience.Something red flows through his veins; but it most certainly is not the blood of life.He will look for new ways to humiliate you and smother your last ounce of happiness.He is always looking for ways to degrade your image , because it pumps him up. The mere fact that he has a decent, good-looking wife to push around , is all that matters to him.He was never your "other-half". Never your "partner".He never will be. His self-hatred will be used against you in ways you never imagined possible; or at least, in ways you never fathomed the man of your dreams could be, toward you.This person you are determined to remain with-will stop at nothing to destroy you ; to destroy your happiness and even your freedom. He needs an audience ; so,while you are suffering in silence and humiliation-he is falsely portraying you- in any way he can- to anyone who will listen , because he craves attention.The more sympathy he can muster; the more attention. Are you content to feed his "martyrdom" ; never knowing what acts he will perpetrate against you ?The vows he took in matrimony, to love you above all things,was,and is a farce.On your best day you will never meet the standards you think he needs .Why would you stay with someone who capitalizes on your insecurities, even to the point of deliberately using lies against you? If you don't know it by now ; you never will know that this man is your worst enemy.For him, you were his "ounce of normal".The life you thought you had with him, never existed.He charmed you with false acts of love and kindness, only to ensnare you.It was impossible for him to hide his true nature , once you saw him in action on a daily basis .Your decency and good looks were used merely ,by him ,to feed on; sort of as his ticket to humanity .To prove to the world that he is just like everyone else. You can sit there all day and say that you live only for your kids.But what kind of life is it for you or them? The cycle of abuse will end when you leave him.If that is impossible today,then it is up to you to come up with a plan.Take some classes in order to ensure a successful future , not only for yourself ,but for your kids. Above all,do not confide in your husband ;unless you want him to sabotage any chance you have , for happiness .You have freedom over your own mind.You can choose to go forward , if you really want to.I have a feeling that your "disabilities" improve, once you are able to move on.Make that call today.You don't have to continue to be his victim-unless you want to.Answer
basically LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP hard as it may seem it is the only answer. for the abuser will continue to abuse . and will no doubt continue to do so with the next partner that they have. which has happened in my case. however, the girl was brave enough to phone me and ask what my ex was like with me. glad to say she left him too. abusers don't change. move on to a happier and healthier relationship. YES it is possible.Answer
There are no "dos" and "don'ts" in a abusive relationship. You can't believe all of the stuff about the narsissist in the answer above. Not only that, but not all abusers are narcsissits and you don't have to have "dependent personality disorder" or be a massochist. Labeling people won't do anything but enable them to continue the way they are. The person who is abusing is just that, a person who is abusive. He/she does it because he/she chooses to, not because his/her "parents were mean" or he/she "grew up in a bad place". We are adults and we choose how we act and respond to our environment. If a person has so little regard for you that they would hit you, that is who they are. You can't change people, especiailly if you enable them by giving them everything they want. If you are in an abusive relationship, call you local shelter or crisis hotline. Get in touch with family or friends. Try to find a way out. If you must stay where you are for financial reasons, find a safe place to save money for yourself and get out a.s.a.p. Call the authorities. Let people know what's going on. Don't lie or make excuses for your bruises. Some people will be mean to you and act like it's your fault. Just be strong and know that they are obviously ignorant on the subject of domestic violence. Eventually you will find someone to listen. You should not be ashamed because it's not your fault. Whatever you do, DON'T lose track of who YOU are. If you have children, think about what they're seeing. Be strong and believe that no matter what, you are beautiful and you do deserve better. I know what you're going through, I was there for three years. And now, not only am I a survivor, but I am helping two friends in similar situations. One is a few days from getting her own place and getting out for good. The other just started her journey to freedom tonight. That's why I'm here, to look for advice to give her. If you can't find anyone to listen, feel free to e-mail me. cs1275@txstate.edu. I'll be glad to give you a shoulder to lean on.Answer
"How can a victim stop the cycle of abuse?"WOW! I've really been hit with revealations this morning.
The cycle of abuse stops when you and I take back our power.
Today I realized that I am still very angry and justisfiably so. In fact I am considering seeking professional counseling to help me overcome my anger which has been an open sore that my violaters continued to pick at to keep me sore and wounded. I realized this morning that I never really properly healed from my abusive experiences by very sick people who run several versions of a destructive theology that has ruined thousands of lives over the course of 7 decades and left most involved in varying degrees of insanity.
They never wanted for me to heal. I don't care about what my violaters feel anymore. I'm fed up with being nice and concerned. I wish all of them a painful hell.
I decided that I have been blessed in more ways than one greatly in the coming new year and don't want to carry any garbage from my past along with me into my new life. This morning I chose freedom. This morning I decided to take my life back. This morning I decided that I finished with religion and really have been for over 2 years now.
Please wish me luck.
Best Wishes For The Future...
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i have been in an abusive relationship for a couple years now. I lost all of my friends, hobbies, and respect. I have to dress a certain way, eat a certain way, talk a certain way, and in the process i lost myself. The house must always be clean,and i am scared out of my mind. I do truly love him with every fiber in my body, but how can he love me? I am constantly called names, screamed at, and made fun of by him. He wants me to move out with him as soon as i can (I am not 18 yet)but i am scared and now he doesn't want to be together any more.....i need some ones help. He won't let me talk to anyone like a counselor or anything, and nobody knows anything that happens with us. I have to hold everything in and hide things from my family what can i doAnswer
The victim is not the one that needs to stop the cycle of abuse. The victim needs to get out and away from the abuser and the abuser needs help. Look in your local phone book there is a number to call for abuse (hot line). In your local paper and such there will be numbers for advocate groups that can help. The police can also help and get the abuser away from the victim. The victim should not wait to seek help, the longer this goes on the more damage to be done, physically and mentally. Run don't walk to get help. It is out there.Answer
Remove yourself from the situation. If nesscerary get a restraining order.Answer
I volunteer for an Abused Women's Center and that's your ONLY way of getting away from this piece of dirt! Make a plan. When your abuser is at work phone from a friend's house or a pay phone (not your home phone or cell phone) and make an appointment (at your convenience ... when you can get away) to see a counselor at the Abused Women's Center. A little at a time start packing simple personal things and have it ready to go. Hide your suit case or put your clothing and personal effects in a bag where your abuser can't find it. Once you enter an Abused Women's Center they are well aware of what you have been through and there is a big box of kleenex always available on the counselors desk. They are kind (some have been abused themselves) and will help you through the red tape. You will be put into a "safe house or transition house" and your abuser or anyone else WILL NOT know where you are. While there they will expect you to do chores, attend programs to teach you the tools so you will not go back to your abuser or get involved in another abusive relationship. There is legal counsel to help you, and they will also try to help you get a job and get back on your feet.
*Above answers re-posted from Answers.com (Wiki)
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