In 2009 when Michael passed, I was torn apart inside. I had everything taken from me in a single swoop. Not only did Michael die, but my marriage was over, my parents abandon me, my dog died, friends walked away that I had supported through the years, and I had to find a new way of living for my children and I. I was left alone, with no one to count on but a higher power.
I felt damaged, isolated and afraid. I couldn't understand why after everything in my life that had happened why I would somehow be punished. How why after trying so hard to do the "right" thing and to be kind, how the world around me and people could be so cruel.
Sometimes things seem different on the outside however. For as the days progressed I found that I wasn't being punished at all, just initiated into the next stage of my individual evolution.
I was crying in the bathroom. There wasn't one part of me that wanted to stay on the earth. For me there wasn't a reason to live. No one cared about what I was going through, no one asked how I felt and who really would care if I left?
It was one of those moments that they say all women have at one time or another. Those moments you are lying on the bathroom floor, crying your eyes out all alone. The pain was deep and it seemed I couldn't get a handle on anything. I looked up out a small window at a tree I loved to look at each morning. To me trees are the silent witnesses. They stand silently but acknowledge all of life all around them. They are content with just "being" and have always reminded me how I should be.
So as I gazed out this day, even the tree seemed dim. It leaves were torn from beetles infesting it and it seemed I couldn't even hold the tree in my heart at that moment. I hung my head in defeat, when a voice behind me asked "Would you have me take this tree just because it's leaves are torn and damaged?" They were not words from a person, but words from someone on the other side. I thought to myself for a moment. I would never want the tree as damaged as it was taken, it's mere presence made a difference in my life. It was at that moment that I realized the message: that no matter how damaged I thought I was, my mere presence in the world just might make a difference to someone.
It was one of the best lessons in my life, so I shared it with my next yoga class. Giving each of them a torn leaf from the tree, I explained to them that no matter how alone we might feel at times that when they looked at the leaf I wanted them to remember that their mere presence made a difference in this world. So I offer you a leaf today and will say to you as well, no matter how hard and alone life may seem at times, your mere presence makes a difference.
May you have an inspiring weekend :)
6 comments:
I am posting to validate this is one of the most painful and joyful experiences anyone can have. The fact that your twin is famous is not easy. In fact I bet few would believe this fame issue makes it that much more difficult. These experiences are hard enough. Add the fame element and you are open to a whole new set of circumstances few can understand. People don't seem to get that nobody in their right mind would choose such a thing. I am sorry for the hard times. Sorry for every moment someone enjoyed criticizing you.
How much do you think he consciously knew when he was alive? How did you deal with that?
Thank you so much. Your comment has brought tears to my eyes. You must have gone through some experiences yourself and I wish you strength and courage.
Michael knew consciously before I did 1984 85. If you read the book you ll see just how much it took for me to believe it was actually him. Him being famous made it that much harder for even me to believe..why would someone like him be interested in me?
Consciousness of the relationship is a big thing. For each it's like awakening from a dream. Dealing with it for me in the beginning was easy...first denial, then I'm just psychic to what exactly does he expect from this. So if I were to give you advice I'd say first remember these are not relationships that are predetermined to fit in with the norm..sometimes it's not mandated that you become husband and wife..that shouldn't however prevent you from perusing your twin but only when you are prompted spiritually. These relationships are the greatest teaching forums for both of your advancements spiritually..if you view it like that..with the curious eyes of a child and wonder at it it becomes beautiful..couple that with knowing ther is divine time and reason for all things and that's how I dealt with it. My Marta was I cannot possibly comprehend all that my father in heaven has set before me. I must trust in Him that there is a plan...in the end I was right but during...It was hard to not think I knew better..that this is the way it should be..so curiosity without judgement and trust in the higher plan are your greatest tools.
Thank you once again for your comment and I hope your journey amazes you as it did me. As painful as it was I would do it all over again.its that wondrous...my only regret..is that I didnt
Oops cut me off..didn't enjoy it as much as I should have.. May god bless and keep you under his divine strength and protection.
You are correct. I have had a similar experience. The main reason I keep mine so private has to do with the other person involved. I can't do that to this persons's privacy. I would love to share with you directly. If there is a way I can contact you let me know and I will.
I got cut off too. I understand everything you have written. I have been working this for 24 years. No my connection is not MJ. I will say I saw a license plate on my way home today that said 'BAD'.
I was not surprised when he passed and was perplexed why so many were. He had to have started leaving when he was accused of child molestation. I remember watching him to to court and wondering how he could possibly handle that.
Your blog is answering many questions for me. I must have needed someone with a similar experience to help me get clear in a way I have not been able to just yet. I ordered your book today. I look forward to reading it.
Same anonymous as earlier today.
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