Somewhere inside of you there is the child you once were now in a grown up body.My grandma "Tiny", who was all of 5 feet tall, used to tell me at age 82 how she still felt like she was 16. The body grows older, we look the part, we even try to play the part, but inside there still lives the child. Your child can be playful, like she was when she would dress as Tina Turner for Halloween and still collect stuffed animals at "her age." Your child can be a little broken too, as I noticed when she repeatedly told the story of saving up for fine china for her mother only to be told that her mother wanted nothing to do with it. Little things like this or the bigger secret things that we all hold inside have all made us "feel" a certain way. No matter if you are in the same family or not, each sibling, each member has their own memories, their own feelings, their own lenses of perception on how their childhoods played out and even their adult lives. These feelings can create harbors of happiness or harbors of despair. Like the old saying goes, we may not remember exactly what someone said, but we will always remember the way they made us "feel".
Most of us don't like to visit our harbors of despair. It doesn't feel good and it makes us sad. So we push it down. Try not to remember our uncle abusing us, or our mother or father acting in unkind ways. Our goal is to deaden the pain. So we get "addicted" to something that helps us cope. Something that deadens the pain inside. Drinking alcohol, drugs, anything that can help us "forget" how we are feeling. On the lighter side, we might sit in front of the television so we can be "mindless" for a while. Or busy ourselves so much we just "don't have time to think". I can't remember who said it. Was it Dr. Phil? How's that working for us?
It's not is it? Forgetting or trying to ignore a painful past does not make it go away. We will continue engaging in the same behaviors until we bring the pain into the light for transformation. We continue in patterns of trying to make it go away by repeatedly engaging in activities that we think will help, but like Einstein once said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result.
We ourselves must stop the cycle. The emotions, all negative emotions, will repeatedly seek resolution. They will continue to come to the surface until they are resolved. The cycle you are in won't stop until you get to the root. You must "transform" the emotion that blocks you from letting more positive emotion in. It begins when you recognize it. Acknowledge it for what it is. If you feel it's too painful, try to imagine you being there for another child who went through the same thing. Would you tell her or him to go away you have to watch tv or get another drink or would you sit and listen to what they have to say? Sit and allow the child within you to explain the emotions, the events that transpired. Allow yourself to cry with the child. Tell the child how much you understand the feelings. Then reassure the child that you, as the adult now, know that you will never let that happen to the child again. That sometimes people do bad things but as a child it's not our fault. How could we know any better and maybe even, how could those who perpetrated against us know any better as well? We assume because they are a mom or dad or an adult they should know better, however, they too have a wounded inner child. Nine times out of ten, the abuse you suffered from someone else, that someone also suffered as a child from another.
Patterns are when people unconsciously mull and repeat the same behaviors again and again, even handing the hurt down to their children and their childrens children without even knowing there is a single thing wrong. How could they when no one pointed it out? How could we when all along we have been led to believe we are "normal" or "they" were adults and know better? Unless we become conscious of our actions, our thougts and our words we will remain unconsciously aware of our patterns at play.
We are all broken a bit. However, if we can transform our brokenness, we can begin to heal. After we embrace what has happened. We must come to terms with it through repeated mindfulness and allow the feeling to be transformed.
Transformation begins when we decide we will seek resolution. That we will stop pointing fingers at anyone outside of us, including our abusers, and begin to look within. Simply put we must believe that all people, good or bad, are only acting out as best they can from their current state of consciousness. Some people may be deeply lost. Their acting out may be from very deep scars. As Jesus said "They know not what they do". Most people are only acting out of their own pain and are rarely aware of the consequences of their actions with others. We cannot expect "them" to change. We must transform ourselves in order to stop the cycle.
I've heard it said before that you can't give what you don't have. If you don't feel loved, how can you give it? If you don't feel healed, how can you heal another?
I think the trick lies in realizing that the inner child is not you. We all have a tendency to "identify" with our experiences. Our experiences then become our identity. The child who is told she is too fat by her parents identifies herself as the fat kid, even though she may be fully grown. The child who is abandon identifies themselves as insignificant to others, even though they may be an adult as well. The child and the memories are the "experiences" that we had. They are not the real us. We must learn to step back as the witness when our feelings come up from the past. Acknowledge them, then study them. The mind chatter might be something like this:
You notice the feeling. "I'm feeling sad again. Why? Oh, that lady just said I was fat. That's what my mother always said. I'm fat. I hate that I'm fat." (notice how you are feeling.. may be ... insignificant, sad, unwanted - name the feeling (how did it make you feel and why) What is it that you now want to do or find yourself doing? In this case, probably eating. So you sit down with a chocolate cake and eat the whole thing because you know, you're fat. You might as well. You are feeling it, you are thinking it, so now you are making it your reality. You are giving yourself more reasons to "feel" the feelings you once had. You are recreating your experience, and this could be in a myriad of ways. You will do whatever you can do to recreate the drama of the past, and if it's not there, you will create it.
I had a member of my family that was like clock work. When ever it was quiet I'd know soon there would be something to erupt. Her parents were alcoholics who fought all the time. Her comfort then was "chaos". If chaos wasn't happening in her life, she would find someone and something to "create" it.
If we let our old patterns play out, we'll all be acting literally insane, just as Einstein said. If I aked you straight out if you would ever deliberately do something to yourself to cause yourself pain, I know you'd say no. Yet we do it everyday, sabatoging ourselves unaware of what we are doing.
If we stop ourselves at the moment the feeling comes on, just before the mind goes rampant with thoughts, we can start to dismantle the thoughts and by doing so, the feelings as well. Ask: How did it make me feel? Your answer could be unloved, not cared for, didn't care about my feelings, took advantage of, abandoned, alone, afraid. Then why? Was it the actions themselves or the actions and who you defined the person who did them as? Does your definition match who they are supposed to be. For example; Society's language might be Dads are protectors, yet your experience may have been dad abandon you or dad abused you. Inner conflict is added because of our definitions of who they "should be". Acknowledge that they are not who we define them as. We are all imperfect people. It doesn't make what was done right, only your knowledge that they are broken as well. This will help you heal.
We must be compassionate enough with ourselves as to know we are validated in our experience(s). You don't need someone to say "Hey you're right. You did get the short end." You already know. So the first step is to acknowledge what happened and tell yourself you have a right to feel the way you do. If a lot of anger erupts, get it out physically. Hit a pillow, kick box, do something to "expel" that energy from your field. Then later you can go back and work on the mental body - the thoughts about the situation. You must develop a new story for yourself. One that makes you the victor and redeems your inner strength. You were a child then, but now you are an adult, for instance. One that makes their own rules and governs their own life. Then whenever the feelings come up again, repeat your mantra. The powerful story that helps you come to terms with what you have struggled with. File it away in the "this life's sucky story" file. Realize you most likely have had many past lives with similar struggles, but the reality is that the real you is the bright shiny soul that has experienced them. The experience itself never defines you as a person unless you allow it to. It is our attachment to the pain, the labels and the identity that blocks us from moving forward. The past really has no power over our present unless we ourselves make it so.
Noticing the feelings that come up is a very powerful step in healing. A favorite author of mine, Eckhart Tolle, used to term this as our "pain body". It is where all these emotions are stored. It's not us, but we do carry it around with us. It helps when we recognize when our "pain body" is activated. Someone hits your "sore spot" and all you have to tell yourself is: "There goes my pain body again!" Now you can act as if it's a separate entity other than yourself and treat it accordingly.
Be mindful of this; feelings, emotions, and thoughts. They can transform our lives in huge ways. Allow yourself to contemplate, even if only for a week, on the feelings that come up in your life that irritate and hurt you. I promise if you notice them, if you keep asking yourself the questions, you'll be able to discover parts of yourself and why you do things that you never knew before. We don't need to carry the burden of being angry all the time or feeling sad. When Jesus said "Know yourself", I think he really meant it. It is the one thing that can truly transform ourselves and the world.
Here are some quotes from Eckhart Tolle to help you during times of stress and upheaval:
“The past has no power over the present moment.” - Eckhart Tolle
“Give up defining yourself — to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are. - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” - Eckhart Tolle
“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” - Eckhart Tolle
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” - Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.” - Eckhart Tolle
“As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love - even the most simple action.” - Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
“Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now, and if the past can't prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?” - Eckhart Tolle
“In today's rush we all think too much, seek too much, want too much and forget about the joy of just Being.” - Eckhart Tolle