Guilt transference is when someone does something then attempts to shift the blame on another person, entity or even country. It is when the party instituting the act does not take responsibility for their own behavior.
Examples of guilt transference are as follows:
In other words, it's your fault that the person behaved the way they did. They take no personal responsibility for controlling their own actions.
Many times these patterns of transference come into play in our personal lives. With narcissism, when someone is most concerned about their personal prestige, the waters get even murkier. Most narcissists will reel you in claiming they love you, will help you, until they have you dependent upon them. The dependency can be for financial reasons, jobs, emotions, anything they sense you are lacking in your life. Then they go in for the kill. They'll abuse you, reject you and kick you.
The resounding voice over this situation is "what is he or she going to do?" It may be the only family you have, the only friend you have or they may have you believe they are the only lover you will ever have. Once the abuse starts and it's not recognized, it continues. It will wear at your inner strength until you are literally at the mercy of your abuser and if you're not careful, the irony will be you will be begging them to stay in your life.
Michael Jackson, for instance, had many people around him that wished to control him. Narcissism was at its finest in his case. The people who "got him where he was" swooped in to "rescue" him from his financial dilemma. The logic was this: Just say you'll give us everything you own and we'll give you that house you've been wanting so badly.
You might remember the words of Randy Phillips in an email back to AEG regarding Michael's state of mind at the announcement of the This is It series of concerts:
" AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips described Jackson as an “emotionally paralyzed mess riddled with self-loathing and doubt now that it’s showtime.”
Or the words used by Brian Panish, Katherine Jackson's attorney, to the jury in the AEG trial.
Panish warned the jury that AEG’s lawyers will blame Jackson, who died young at 50, for his own death.
These marked events all have something in common. There is a sense of entitlement and superiority. There is no compassion for the other person involved, only a willingness to control, then belittle and use. Narcissists will go to any extent to have not only you believing that their behavior is your fault, but will go out of their way to make sure everyone else knows it too.
Who remembers these headlines:
Michael Jackson was a drug addict, says AEG expert at trial - CNN
AEG Live tries to show Michael Jackson had secret drug addiction
Guilt is a very powerful tool. Many will use it to gain control over your emotions, time and energy. Other instances may include a jealous lover who constantly complains that he or she thinks you are cheating. Soon you may feel guilty about something you never did and try and make him or her believe you aren't cheating. The whole time they will be cheating on you. When it comes time and the truth is revealed, they'll simply say "I thought you were cheating on me." Now it's your fault they cheated.
If you are conscious of these types of patterns, you can break free from these types of situations and save yourself a lot of grief. Many times these very patterns are present in our families and we often cling to them. I actually had someone say to me once that I needed to grovel because "she is the only one you have." I didn't grovel. Matter of fact I ran right out the door. There is much to be said for keeping your own dignity in tact. Should you ever "grovel" for affection, a job, or whatever the narcissist is holding over your head, they will claim their superiority with a thunderous bellow for all to hear. You see, they are god now, and will continue to control and manipulate you by pulling at your strings.
One of the best things to do in these situations is to keep yourself out of them. Yet most of us do find ourselves in situations exactly like this at some time in our lives. If you are conscious and recognize the signs and the characteristics of guilt transference and the narcissists use of it, you can keep a clearer head about where responsibility actually lies.
Here are some key points to look for:
 |
| "Mirror, mirror on the wall who's the fairest one of all?" It better be me! |
You make me drink.
If you didn't nag me so much I wouldn't have had an affair.
If you weren't Jewish I wouldn't have to kill you. (Hitler)
He was addicted to propofol and took it himself (Conrad Murray)
In other words, it's your fault that the person behaved the way they did. They take no personal responsibility for controlling their own actions.
Many times these patterns of transference come into play in our personal lives. With narcissism, when someone is most concerned about their personal prestige, the waters get even murkier. Most narcissists will reel you in claiming they love you, will help you, until they have you dependent upon them. The dependency can be for financial reasons, jobs, emotions, anything they sense you are lacking in your life. Then they go in for the kill. They'll abuse you, reject you and kick you.
The resounding voice over this situation is "what is he or she going to do?" It may be the only family you have, the only friend you have or they may have you believe they are the only lover you will ever have. Once the abuse starts and it's not recognized, it continues. It will wear at your inner strength until you are literally at the mercy of your abuser and if you're not careful, the irony will be you will be begging them to stay in your life.
Michael Jackson, for instance, had many people around him that wished to control him. Narcissism was at its finest in his case. The people who "got him where he was" swooped in to "rescue" him from his financial dilemma. The logic was this: Just say you'll give us everything you own and we'll give you that house you've been wanting so badly.
You might remember the words of Randy Phillips in an email back to AEG regarding Michael's state of mind at the announcement of the This is It series of concerts:
" AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips described Jackson as an “emotionally paralyzed mess riddled with self-loathing and doubt now that it’s showtime.”
Or the words used by Brian Panish, Katherine Jackson's attorney, to the jury in the AEG trial.
Panish warned the jury that AEG’s lawyers will blame Jackson, who died young at 50, for his own death.
These marked events all have something in common. There is a sense of entitlement and superiority. There is no compassion for the other person involved, only a willingness to control, then belittle and use. Narcissists will go to any extent to have not only you believing that their behavior is your fault, but will go out of their way to make sure everyone else knows it too.
Who remembers these headlines:
Michael Jackson was a drug addict, says AEG expert at trial - CNN
AEG Live tries to show Michael Jackson had secret drug addiction
Guilt is a very powerful tool. Many will use it to gain control over your emotions, time and energy. Other instances may include a jealous lover who constantly complains that he or she thinks you are cheating. Soon you may feel guilty about something you never did and try and make him or her believe you aren't cheating. The whole time they will be cheating on you. When it comes time and the truth is revealed, they'll simply say "I thought you were cheating on me." Now it's your fault they cheated.
If you are conscious of these types of patterns, you can break free from these types of situations and save yourself a lot of grief. Many times these very patterns are present in our families and we often cling to them. I actually had someone say to me once that I needed to grovel because "she is the only one you have." I didn't grovel. Matter of fact I ran right out the door. There is much to be said for keeping your own dignity in tact. Should you ever "grovel" for affection, a job, or whatever the narcissist is holding over your head, they will claim their superiority with a thunderous bellow for all to hear. You see, they are god now, and will continue to control and manipulate you by pulling at your strings.
One of the best things to do in these situations is to keep yourself out of them. Yet most of us do find ourselves in situations exactly like this at some time in our lives. If you are conscious and recognize the signs and the characteristics of guilt transference and the narcissists use of it, you can keep a clearer head about where responsibility actually lies.
Here are some key points to look for:
- Appearance is everything. From looking the part to projecting an image of the "perfect" family man or someone with a great "reputation" in the community, company or social circle.
- Excuses. They have an excuse for everything and nothing is their fault.
- They leave a trail. Whether it is a series of relationships that they have wrecked by cheating or a series of companies or employees they go through, they leave little clues as to the behavior patterns currently running rampant.
- They will never put your feeling above theirs. Whether or not you feel anything, is unimportant. It's all about how they feel and why they feel that way and most often, it's your fault.
- Conversations always lead back to them. You start a conversation about how you may be feeling. Soon you find yourself giving counsel to the other person because of their abusive childhood, their last spouse, or last boss. Again anything you have brought up, a situation or feeling, is shifted back and the blame is not theirs. It's their abusive childhood, their last spouse or their last boss. Now you can help "fix them."
- Self promotion. Be wary of the person who continually expresses how great of a job they did or how wonderful their marriage is. Most often they are trying to hide something in the area they are trying to promote.
We all can have tendencies to shift blame or even be a little narcissistic at times. The child who breaks the lamp, for instance, will sometimes almost immediately say "I didn't do it". It's not a cozy feeling to have to accept responsibility for what we do in life that is destructive, but when we do and when we recognize that behavior in others and take steps to protect ourselves, we grow personally by leaps and bounds. We are no longer a victim of another person and no longer a victim of a continued pattern in our lives. We can live happier, stronger and freer knowing where our boundaries lie and what we ourselves are responsible for.
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