"The parent who is estranged from a child due to his/her own bad treatment of the child has a "wait and see" attitude. They don't pursue a relationship with the child because in their mind the child is the one responsible for mending the relationship."
It's been a common problem among adult children. Parents who simply abandon their adult children or worse yet those that abandon them when they are still young. As children of any age we all need to feel loved and nurtured. Parents represent to us that first form of love and when it is taken away or never given at all, no matter what your age, you hurt.
I've spoken to many adult children who have been "outed" by their parents. Some who have been abandon, tried to reconnect, then given the "silent" treatment again simply because they don't "agree" with their parent. Most have been engaged in emotional abuse that has been going on in the family for years and grasp for reasons why its happening. What is it that they have done? How could they have done things differently and why can't they have a "normal" relationship like the families that we see on TV and the Christmas cards sitting around the table, all having that great "family" dinner.
Unfortunately in our current world the family on the television just isn't our reality. Most families may "look" and act on the outside as if they are loving and caring, but once given a look at the inner workings, we find something much different.
Like sibling rivalry, jealousy, is a common pattern in narcissistic families. Constant comparisons to others. Your mother, your aunt, your father, your sisters; all comparing themselves to you. Envy rears its ugly head in many other contexts as well. "How does our family measure up to others and do we "look" good enough to the outside world?" Children learn to do this and become adults who are always worried about comparisons. If this is you and you were raised by narcissistic parents, learning how to cope is a must and part of your own recovery. Confronting the narcissist does no good. You have to release yourself from your confusion and see the envy for what it is. To do this you must recognize your own goodness and strength. Don't be spiteful or revengeful as that destroys you. The envy that is thrown your way does not belong to you. It is a part of the parent's disorder. "Envy comes from people's ignorance of, or lack of belief in their own gifts." (Jean Vanier) You don't have to take it on.
In these cases the child is left with little support for who she or he is as a whole person. They feel unloved. Envy is like an anger that destroys you. It is terrifying for a child at any age.
Parents who have abandon their children will find it hard or impossible to view the situation from their child's perspective. They don't see their own behavior as playing a role in the problem; they feel entitled to behave badly with no repercussions.
Either way, abandonment at a young or old age, leaves us feeling broken. We must realize that the cause of the hurt is the dysfunction that has gone before us. We can't blame the parent, for what dysfunction went on before them with their own parents? We can only take what we have been given and acknowledge that our parental support system is lacking. We are at a loss in the teachings of what real love and relationships are about because of it. It is in knowing and accepting this all important fact, that we can begin to heal.
Parents who have abandon their children will find it hard or impossible to view the situation from their child's perspective. They don't see their own behavior as playing a role in the problem; they feel entitled to behave badly with no repercussions.
Either way, abandonment at a young or old age, leaves us feeling broken. We must realize that the cause of the hurt is the dysfunction that has gone before us. We can't blame the parent, for what dysfunction went on before them with their own parents? We can only take what we have been given and acknowledge that our parental support system is lacking. We are at a loss in the teachings of what real love and relationships are about because of it. It is in knowing and accepting this all important fact, that we can begin to heal.
Our recovery process includes a new frame of mind. One that allows us to individuate so that we are no longer defined by anyone but ourselves. We must use self-compassion, self-understanding, and take the time to nurture ourselves, replacing the love that we have been longing for with our own inner strength.
There is an abundance of love in the universe. We have been made of it. If you have been abandon, at any age and feel the sting of being unwanted by family, friends, or others, there is always a place of strength you can go to. You must first realize that you are most often not the one that is broken. It is others in their treatment of you that clearly outlines the dysfunction. Be grateful for being free from the cycle of their abusive hands and begin to form a new relationship with your self and others. Take time to reflect, to breathe, and to feel that there is more love in healthy forms available to you. Connect with nature, with children and with animals - all forms of the unconditional love we all want and seek. Then when it is our turn to give the love and nurturing to our own children, we can make active, healthy choices in their development as well.
Working toward recovery from any issue is worth the time and energy. Creating your own exciting and significant life is gratifying and the more you tune into who you truly are, the better it feels. I've posted a reprint of an article on emotional abuse below. Many of us grasp at straws thinking the problem is us, not realizing what the abuse is. Emotional abuse leaves no bruises, only ones inside. Sometimes those kind can be the worst:
Emotional abuse is elusive. Unlike physical abuse, the people doing it and receiving it may not even know it’s happening.
It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.
The abuser projects their words, attitudes or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.
In the following areas, ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused:
It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.
The abuser projects their words, attitudes or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.
In the following areas, ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused:
- Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
- Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
- Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
- When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
- Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
- Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
- Domination, control, and shame:
- Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
- Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
- Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
- Do they control your spending?
- Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
- Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
- Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
- Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
- Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
- Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
- Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
- Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
- Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
- Do they have trouble apologizing?
- Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
- Do they call you names or label you?
- Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
- Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
- Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
- Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
- Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
- Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
- Do they not notice or care how you feel?
- Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
- Codependence and enmeshment:
- Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
- Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
- Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
- Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?
Psychology Today
Mothers Who are Jealous of their Daughters
The Legacy of Distorted Love
The Difference Between Estrangement and Parental Alienation
Syndrome by Cathy Meyer
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