Man in the Mirror PROJECT: The Silent Treatment

When you look up the definition of emotional child abuse, several examples are listed: giving the silent treatment, ranking children unnecessarily, being condescending, bunny boiling, gaslighting children, scapegoating, sabotaging, favoritism, triangulation, pathological (or compulsive) lying, smearing, corrupting, ignoring, corrupting, terrorizing, isolation, and inappropriate control.

To better understand the different facets of emotional child abuse, we’ll be exploring one trait per post.
In this post, we’ll look more closely at the emotionally abusive form of child abuse called “the silent treatment” (also “withholding”). It is also used in adult relationships, but for the purpose and focus of The Invisible Scar, we’ll study the silent treatment as it relates to children.

No discussion of emotional abuse through words would be complete without including the absence of words as a form of abuse. This is commonly known as the ‘silent treatment.’ Abusers punish their victims by refusing to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Through silence, the abusers loudly communicate their displeasure, anger, frustration, or disappointment.” (Dr. Gregory Jantz, “Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Silent Treatment Abuser” article)

Examples of the Silent Treatment (or Withholding)

• A parent stops talking to a child because the child did not anticipate the parent’s needs. Perhaps the parent expected the child to do a chore or a task without being told to do so and, when the child fails to meet that expectation, the parent will not talk to the child for a long time.
• A parent who did not like what a child said will withhold as punishment. For example, a child may have not liked dinner and called it “gross” or “disgusting.” The parent will then no longer talk to the child for a long time.
• A parent will ignore a child who did not show the proper amount of support, attention, or enthusiasm for what the parent deemed importance. For example, the parent may have mentioned something that happened at work, and the child did not react with the attention or enthusiasm that the parent demand. The child will then be ignored.

Note that all the above examples cite regular behaviors in the children…. A child does forget to do chores, a child will call something gross and refuse meals at times, a child will not care very much about what happens in the workday of the parent. The child is behaving very much like a child; unfortunately, the parent is not behaving to his/her appropriate maturity level.
The parent, in all those examples, is demanding for the child to meet the emotional needs of the parent. However, a good parent offers unconditional love and support; an emotionally abusive parent demands unconditional love and support from his/her child.
The silent treatment then is the parent’s punishment of the child for not giving that unconditional support and love.

How the Silent Treatment Hurts Children

The result is intense pain for the child.

In their minds, you have disappeared and all attempts to get you to reappear are not working. They have no idea why this has happened. It is terrifying because a child cannot survive without a parent or caregiver. The silent treatment sends a message to your child that they are not safe in the world, that their provider may or may not be available to them at any given time, for no apparent reason. (Is It OK for Parents to Give Children the Silent Treatment? by Elyn Tromey, Boulder Counseling)

[via tumblr]

Is There a Difference Between a Time-Out and the Silent Treatment?

Sometimes, children are sent to their rooms (in a “time-out”) to think about what has happened (if the child behaved in a way that hurts, either emotionally or physically, another member of the family). That is not a form of child abuse if it’s a cooling-off phase.

“Do not confuse the silent treatment with something known as the ‘cooling off period.’ The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state, and need time to calm down before they begin speaking to this person. That’s normal and should be allowed in a relationship. But purposely ignoring and refusing to hear or talk to a person is wrong, intentional, manipulative, and demonstrates extreme calculation and cruelty on how to hurt another person or even drive them crazy.” (Dove Christian Counseling website)

The difference between a time-out and a silent treatment is explained well on a chart on this Out of the Fog page.

The above article was written by Veronica from the wordpress blog "The Invisible Scar" an immense resource for articles on healing http://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/

Valentines Day - Twin Flame Heart Space

Whether you realize it or not, you will always hold a heart space for your twin flame soul mate. On Valentines Day most celebrate the holiday by exchanging sentiments of love and admiration. Romantic getaways, flowers, candy and dinners are customarily partaken of on this holiday celebrated by most of society.  Our thoughts are about what we have created it to be.  Is it a Hallmark holiday, a true mark of love or just something we have created in society as a tradition?

True love doesn't come delivered with roses, rarely with a card or candy and although dinner can be partaken of, it doesn't necessarily mean two people are in love.  You can fall in love, be in love, think you love someone based on your own perceptions of them, or love life, love your children, even love god.  Love abounds in our world and in our universe if we are brave enough to look for and experience it.  It comes in many forms, from many things, and from and to many different people.  Love comes in all shapes in sizes, its neither tall or short, fat or skinny.  Love is in the air all around us, in our hearts and at our feet.  Love can take us to the top of the mountain or to the lowest depths of the earth.  What love can't do is be free.  Love is what it is.  You can't change love.  You can't control love.  Love is locked inside of you, it flows through you, you bring love with you where ever you go.  Love cannot leave you because you yourself are love.

Maybe you have sought to control love.  Maybe you have tried to tell love to go.  To stop loving someone, to not care about something, maybe you have tried to set love free.  Love can't be freed. Love can only be allowed.  When we stop trying to tell love to go, stop trying to block the love that we already are, then we can begin living with love, instead of trying to control love.

Valentines Day reminds us of love.  Sometimes it's romantic, sometimes it's tragic, but what remains through all of history in every great story is the fact that love exists.  You can't taste love. You can't smell it, you can't touch it, see it or hear it.  Scientists have yet to "prove" the existence of love, yet it is the very fabric that holds us all in unity.  When love comes to your heart for expression it needs to be allowed to flow.  It is the continual flow of love that allows your heart to grow.  When love hurts, your heart is growing from love.  When love feels good, your heart is rejoicing in love.

There will be many people, places, things and events that bring you love and that you will love.  Love can take many forms, but one love will be the same always.  The love you have for your twin flame.  Unbeknownst to you, this love burns as a flame inside of your heart eternally.  It holds a space.  That secret space inside of your heart.  The secret knowing you have that there is a complete love that is perfect for you somewhere.  Its the inner knowing, the small voice that tells you there is another part of yourself waiting to be discovered.  When you meet him or her, you will know.  When you find him or her inside of you, you will be whole.

This Valentines Day I celebrate all the twin flames who are on their journeys.  For all those holding that heart space for their beloved, I want you to know that they too hold a heart space for you. Whether or not you are together on the earth plane or not, doesn't matter.  For heart space expands, love lives on, and after all is said and done our true love, the love we are all made from, will bring us home.


I first heard the words of the song below in the form of a poem.  Many times Michael wrote poetry, but one particular one he recited to me became the song "Speechless".  The twin flame path is often very difficult to believe in.  We are not taught that we are spiritual beings, that we all have counterparts.  It seems unreal, but all is still "possible with god".  Here is the expression of true spiritual unity in love.  Even though you are far away, you are still with each other and in each others hearts.  Your love is magical and will remain for all of eternity.  Happy Valentines Day.


                                                           "Speechless"

Your love is magical, that's how I feel 
But I have not the words here to explain 
Gone is the grace for expressions of passion 
But there are worlds and worlds of ways to explain 
To tell you how I feel 
But I am speechless, speechless 
That's how you make me feel 
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real 
When I'm with you I am lost for words, I don't know what to say 
My head's spinning like a carousel, so silently I pray 
Helpless and hopeless, that's how I feel inside 
Nothing's real, but all is possible if God is on my side 
When I'm with you I am in the light where I cannot be found 
It's as though I am standing in the place called Hallowed Ground 
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel 
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real 
I'll go anywhere and do anything just to touch your face 
There's no mountain high I cannot climb 
I'm humbled in your grace 
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel 
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real 
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel 
Though I'm with you I am far away, and nothing is for real 
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel 
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real 
Speechless Your love is magical, that's how I feel 
But in your presence I am lost for words 
Words like, "I love you."

Observations on Unity Consciousness

Michael Jackson with Ryan White

I was sitting quietly when I saw him again.  This time he was with Ryan White, a little boy who died from aids quite a few years ago.  I heard the words to a song.  "Gone Too Soon" played out in my head.  I attempted to speak to him, but he placed a finger over his lips asking me to listen.

I sat in silence and remembered a guide of mine who told me that sometimes our lives are here just for the purpose of expanding our consciousness.  That sometimes I could just sit in quietness instead of reaching for them to converse.

There have been times I have heard the whales sing during these times.  I could swim with them under the ocean then be beaconed to another place where monks sat and sang a low hum.  The sound, the vibration of it, I had never heard until this past year when they sang the same tune again before the Dalai Lama spoke to his disciples.  The reaching, the extending through the crown chakra at the top of your head, can, I am convinced, reach anywhere in the world.  For in the field of unity consciousness, everything is accessible and all beings, big and small, are connected.  Even the whales themselves.

My experiences on this side of the veil seem to mimic those on the other.  When the Conrad Murray trial started I asked Michael how he was.  He explained how he had heard everyone's prayers that day.  And when Nelson Mandela passed, he had said the same.  He heard the prayers, the gentle thoughts, he felt the love and the good deeds being carried out in his name.

The field is the same.  No matter if you are here or there, the access, the science of it remains.  When I think about the fact that we are three part beings, it is the latter, the spirit part that seems to connect all things in unity.  The teachings, the way, has just been put aside in our society.  Yet the access, the existence of it, is still there.

What would our world look like if we all knew this existed?  Would we think differently, act differently?  Would we be kinder to one another and to all of life?

I know from personal experience that people like the Dali Lama are in this field much of the time.  I haven't heard them speak about it.  Matter of fact I've heard others say they need not share their experiences.  I think differently.  Why not share what you know?  Why keep the rest of humanity in the dark when we struggle so much to begin with?  Because it sounds different, because it's not spoken of, because you might sound crazy, is no reason to keep this precious secret under wraps.  All of the great men and women who have made amazing contributions to history have stood in that place of judgement.  If we all did not speak up, the slaves would never have been freed, Jesus would have never taught the masses, apartheid would have never ended, and women still would not be able to vote in the States.

It's important to share, to speak up in situations where there is poor treatment, to lend a hand when someone needs it and to love unconditionally.  If it's true we are one, that we are all a part of this vast consciousness, that we are love, we should probably start to act like we are.

As Jesus said, treat your neighbor, your brothers, your sisters, as you would like to be treated and then maybe, just maybe, we can make our unity consciousness a unified world.

Michael and Music; Flames and Adoration

It started as a conversation about how Michael wrote music.  How could someone with an abusive childhood grow to be someone so in touch with expressing themselves through music?  Good music speaks to the deeper emotions of life.  Those things that touch everyone and that we can all connect to.

The answer surprised me.  Sometimes simple minded I thought the answer might be a great deal of healing work, introspection, or nurturing from another person.  Yet the answer came almost as an already known whisper.  He said music is all around us, you just have to listen for it.  It is in the trees, the air, in the whisper of the wind, in the clouds and the beating of your heart.  Here is the base, he said.  The heart when it beats transmits a message to all of life.  This huge symphonic orchestra is what we are made of.  It's hard not to write music when you are tuned into it.  You hear it all around you, every day.

The conversation reminded me of a lesson I had learned long ago.  It was from St Germain and it was part of learning and becoming one on the path to your twin flame.  It was a simple thing really.  All you had to do was pay attention.  When you stop to wonder at the beauty of creation, you begin to stir feelings of adoration.  I realized I had done it all my life.  That Michael had too.  It's when you stop and look at a tree.  You marvel in it's creation, wonder in its beauty and are in awe of its majesty.  There are times I could stare up into the branches of a tree and feel its branches embrace me like a hug.  I felt safe, I felt love.

When we stop to notice what God himself has created, those treasured things that go unnoticed every day; a child's smile, a tree, a flower, the clouds, the magnificent blue sky.  When we stop to allow ourselves to feel it's magnificence, to wonder at it's beauty and to praise our creator for all things he has made manifest for us, we create a harmonious and wonderful energy.  If you try this today, notice how your energy shifts.  Stopping for a moment, taking time to wonder, you'll notice at your wonderment the nature of who you are.  It's love and when you generate love towards all of creation and your wonderment of it, love can't help but be reflected back to you.  You get what you give.

For twin flames it is this very simple law of attraction that is the formula that draws them together. The adoration for the world created for you, will come back in the adoration of the flame created just for you as well, for life itself is always our mirror.  Adore, behold and love and all that and more will be bestowed upon you.

Shirley Temple and My Miracle

Shirley Temple Black

We honor a pay tribute to Shirley Temple Black today who has passed on to the other side.  I am told she has been greeted and has been welcomed into the "community".

As another child star, she holds common ground with both Michael and Elizabeth.  We dedicate this video to her and those like her.  You might note some of the lyrics Michael wrote for Elizabeth Taylor in this song as well.  When he found himself alone, Elizabeth held his hand and said "Let's be strong together."  I can attest that both Michael and Elizabeth are still "holding the hands" of many people around the world.  Our world, unfortunately, is full of lonely people.  For me, they have been steadfast friends and I don't mind sharing with you recent developments.

If you have listened to the psychic reading I've posted on the sidebar, you might have picked up Michael telling the reader that he could manifest a home for me. Before he passed, I was getting a divorce.  When I told Michael, he wanted to help.  He went through a litany of things.  Do I need money, I could use cash.  He was very persistent when I refused.  I just wanted for him to be there.  Finally, he said how about a house?  You'll need a place to stay.  I said ok, a house to get him to stop.  He passed on just a month or so after that conversation.  Even as the reader has said, we've grown closer since then.  I've even enjoyed the company of his friends.  When thinking about a home, Michael asked what my "perfect" home would be.  I gave particulars, all one floor, someone to take care of the outside, same schools for my children, private yard, etc.  I never dreamed he would "work" on it.  Yesterday I did not post to the blog because he did manifest the home I wanted.  I am sitting in it today and wanted to share only because I think it's heartwarming to know those on the other side still work on our behalf.  It's nice to know, as Michael says, when we feel alone, there are those that will still "hold our hand". The time for believing in miracles is now.  I hope you share with me in the faith that they do exist.

A Visit From Those in the Afterlife

Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor
and Larry Fortensky 

It seems as if it's becoming more common.  Visits from Michael and friends on the other side come more often and I am always amused with the goings on.  Seems they are planning a birthday party. I saw candles, then Elizabeth Taylor became clear.

Unbeknownst to me, even though Elizabeth has passed, her earth birthday is at the end of this month.  If there is one thing that I do know about her and Michael its that they both like to make up for time from their childhoods.  I inquired about the cake and the invites.  I was told it would be a lemon chiffon cake, which I don't think I have ever had before and a few of the "invitees" became present.

Michael Jackson with Gary Coleman

Gary Coleman famous for
the quote "What you talkin
'bout Willis?"

Mr Mandela was beaming with that amazing smile of his, as Gary Coleman came right in my face and started wiggling his ears.  I know most of their parties "over there" are large and fun.  Most of them have squirt gun fights or at the very least, a water balloon fight.  I thought it intriguing to ask Mr Mandela if he had partaken in any of these events.  For some reason I just couldn't imagine him in his suit running around squirting people.  He told me he had not yet engaged in squirt gun wars with Michael, however, we agreed that when I pass we would definitely have one together.

I felt like I was left out the fun.  They are "whooping it up" on the other side, as one person put it. There was much laughter, joking and a sense of pure joy and light.

Michael, Mr Mandela, and Elizabeth

If you ever wonder what it's like or feel sad about someone who has passed, you might want to remember this story.  It seems they are freer, lighter, and so much less worry some. Even Maurie Pressman, after he has found his sea legs, is making the rounds.  When they are near, you might feel cold, a light might flicker, or your dog might bark.  Those on the other side sometimes always have a way of making themselves known.  But there is one thing for sure.  Life doesn't end just because it has ended on earth.  For some it almost seems as if life has just begun.

Man in the Mirror PROJECT: Guilt Transference with Snow White

Guilt transference is when someone does something then attempts to shift the blame on another person, entity or even country.  It is when the party instituting the act does not take responsibility for their own behavior.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall
who's the fairest one of all?"
It better be me!

Examples of guilt transference are as follows:

You make me drink.

If you didn't nag me so much I wouldn't have had an affair.

If you weren't Jewish I wouldn't have to kill you. (Hitler)

He was addicted to propofol and took it himself  (Conrad Murray)

In other words, it's your fault that the person behaved the way they did.  They take no personal responsibility for controlling their own actions.

Many times these patterns of transference come into play in our personal lives. With narcissism, when someone is most concerned about their personal prestige, the waters get even murkier.  Most narcissists will reel you in claiming they love you, will help you, until they have you dependent upon them.  The dependency can be for financial reasons, jobs, emotions, anything they sense you are lacking in your life.  Then they go in for the kill.  They'll abuse you, reject you and kick you.

The resounding voice over this situation is "what is he or she going to do?"  It may be the only family you have, the only friend you have or they may have you believe they are the only lover you will ever have.  Once the abuse starts and it's not recognized, it continues.  It will wear at your inner strength until you are literally at the mercy of your abuser and if you're not careful, the irony will be you will be begging them to stay in your life.

Michael Jackson, for instance, had many people around him that wished to control him.  Narcissism was at its finest in his case.  The people who "got him where he was" swooped in to "rescue" him from his financial dilemma.  The logic was this:  Just say you'll give us everything you own and we'll give you that house you've been wanting so badly.

You might remember the words of Randy Phillips in an email back to AEG regarding Michael's state of mind at the announcement of the This is It series of concerts:

" AEG Live CEO Randy Phillips described Jackson as an “emotionally paralyzed mess riddled with self-loathing and doubt now that it’s showtime.”

Or the words used by Brian Panish, Katherine Jackson's attorney, to the jury in the AEG trial.

Panish warned the jury that AEG’s lawyers will blame Jackson, who died young at 50, for his own death.
These marked events all have something in common.  There is a sense of entitlement and superiority.  There is no compassion for the other person involved, only a willingness to control, then belittle and use.  Narcissists will go to any extent to have not only you believing that their behavior is your fault, but will go out of their way to make sure everyone else knows it too.

Who remembers these headlines:

Michael Jackson was a drug addict, says AEG expert at trial - CNN

AEG Live tries to show Michael Jackson had secret drug addiction
Guilt is a very powerful tool.  Many will use it to gain control over your emotions, time and energy.  Other instances may include a jealous lover who constantly complains that he or she thinks you are cheating.  Soon you may feel guilty about something you never did and try and make him or her believe you aren't cheating.  The whole time they will be cheating on you.  When it comes time and the truth is revealed, they'll simply say "I thought you were cheating on me."  Now it's your fault they cheated.

If you are conscious of these types of patterns, you can break free from these types of situations and save yourself a lot of grief.  Many times these very patterns are present in our families and we often cling to them.  I actually had someone say to me once that I needed to grovel because "she is the only one you have."  I didn't grovel.  Matter of fact I ran right out the door.  There is much to be said for keeping your own dignity in tact.  Should you ever "grovel" for affection, a job, or whatever the narcissist is holding over your head, they will claim their superiority with a thunderous bellow for all to hear.  You see, they are god now, and will continue to control and manipulate you by pulling at your strings.

One of the best things to do in these situations is to keep yourself out of them.  Yet most of us do find ourselves in situations exactly like this at some time in our lives.  If you are conscious and recognize the signs and the characteristics of guilt transference and the narcissists use of it, you can keep a clearer head about where responsibility actually lies.

Here are some key points to look for:

• Appearance is everything.  From looking the part to projecting an image of the "perfect" family man or someone with a great "reputation" in the community, company or social circle.
• Excuses.  They have an excuse for everything and nothing is their fault.
• They leave a trail.  Whether it is a series of relationships that they have wrecked by cheating or a series of companies or employees they go through, they leave little clues as to the behavior patterns currently running rampant.
• They will never put your feeling above theirs.  Whether or not you feel anything, is unimportant.  It's all about how they feel and why they feel that way and most often, it's your fault.
• Conversations always lead back to them.  You start a conversation about how you may be feeling.  Soon you find yourself giving counsel to the other person because of their abusive childhood, their last spouse, or last boss.  Again anything you have brought up, a situation or feeling, is shifted back and the blame is not theirs.  It's their abusive childhood, their last spouse or their last boss.  Now you can help "fix them."
• Self promotion.  Be wary of the person who continually expresses how great of a job they did or how wonderful their marriage is.  Most often they are trying to hide something in the area they are trying to promote.

We all can have tendencies to shift blame or even be a little narcissistic at times.  The child who breaks the lamp, for instance, will sometimes almost immediately say "I didn't do it".  It's not a cozy feeling to have to accept responsibility for what we do in life that is destructive, but when we do and when we recognize that behavior in others and take steps to protect ourselves, we grow personally by leaps and bounds.  We are no longer a victim of another person and no longer a victim of a continued pattern in our lives.  We can live happier, stronger and freer knowing where our boundaries lie and what we ourselves are responsible for.